32 Weeks

Most recent pictures taken Sunday, November 25, 2007 at my parent's house (32 Weeks).

I am no longer on strict bed rest, but I am to rest as much as possible. At least two hours with my feet up every morning, afternoon and evening. This does not include when I am (supposed to be) sleeping (am peeing instead). I must say this is an impossible task while working. I have been so nauseous and dizzy lately, usually simultaneously. Also, when I take a shower, I have contractions. Today, to avoid contractions in the shower, I did not shave my legs because I thought it was the bending over that caused the problem. I was wrong; I guess it is just the act of showering. Who knows? I do know that I have been feeling like shit more and more often. Every day that I act like a normal person (leave the house), I have to rest for two days to recover. I actually could not go to work today because I felt so awful: nauseous, crampy, and exhausted. After Thanksgiving (great day), I was in bed for two full days, which I hate. I love being energetic and getting things done and organized, etc., but I simply cannot do that right now.

Yesterday I had my 32 week check-up and as I was sitting in the waiting room I became dizzy and nauseous and scanned the room in a panic looking for a garbage can in which to vomit. I did not vomit (hate to!), but I knew that I should go straight home after the appointment and rest. I did not go straight home as I should have, I ran a couple of errands because I was already out and knew that I would probably not be out of the house except for work for a while. It was a stupid thing to do as I had horrid contractions while in TJ Maxx (you get the max for the minimum) and I could barely walk, even with the support of the shopping cart. I did get some damn cute things for my baby boy, but it was stupid, I know. Also, even some C cup bras are too small now! I did go home and straight to bed.

Premature Labor

We were scheduled to start our baby care class o0n Tuesday at the hospital where "Wilson" will be born. I had a horrible headache starting about 1:00 in the afternoon, but that is nothing new, so I eventually took two Tylenol and worked through the pain (staying late, as usual). Tylenol is pretty much a placebo as far as I am concerned, but I take it anyway when the headache is bad enough. At about 4:45 I started to feel a tightening in my lower abdomen. We just came home from work and without telling Iceman about the contractions, I crawled into bed until we had to leave for class. The tightening eased a bit while I was laying in my bed, but was still quite noticeable. When I got out of bed about 30-40 minutes later the cramping continued and each one lasted a while. I still did not tell Mike and he must be blind or just used to ignoring my presence because I was obviously in a lot of discomfort. I sucked it up, kept my mouth shut, got in the car, and decided that it was normal and not to overreact. I figured that I was just exhausted.

On the way, traffic was awful and the tightening continued. Mike thought that traffic was bad enough that we may have to reschedule our class. I told him to just head to the hospital. I figured it was better to be at the hospital instead of at home, just in case. Well I finally told him what I was feeling. Once at the hospital he kept asking me if the contracting was a problem. I kept telling him that I had no idea, I have never had a baby before. I wanted to just go to the class and see if after a few hours I would feel better; he wanted to go to the ER. We walked over there (Mike was adamant), but the place was jam packed and I refused to stay. I told him that I had paperwork to drop off at OB/GYN and that we should just go there. When we got in the elevator I pressed the floor of the baby care class instead of the OB/GYN because I really thought we should attend the class. Well, that did not sit well with Mike, so we went to the OB/GYN floor.

The first nurse we talked to was a total bitch, continually telling us that we should have called our doctor first. I tried to explain to this C U Next Tuesday that we would not have come to the hospital without calling our doctor, but that we had a class to attend and we were already here. She just would not let up; she was a very nasty women. She called my doctor, who just happened to be at the hospital. He told her to put me on the monitor and see what was happening. The contractions were 5 minutes apart.

Our doctor came by to see us; he is a great doctor. He told us that we did the right thing, which made me feel better. They gave me two bags of IV fluids and monitored me for about 4 hours. My doctor sent me home and put me on strict bed rest until tomorrow when we go see him at his office. My cervix was closed both times they checked and the tests for toxemia and preeclampsia came back aok! The resident who checked my cervix meant business. I tell ya, it felt like she was crawling in.

Yesterday I was still feeling contractions all day, but I feel better today. It seems to have relaxed a bit, now I just have a terrible headache. I just want this little guy to cook in there until he is good and ready to come out.

3 lbs. 14 oz. at 30 Weeks 1 Day

Yesterday we had our baby shower and it was terrific! My mom and my sister did a fantastic job and I love them more than words can say!

The picture above was taken yesterday after the shower and is of me and my adorable one month old niece, Willa. She is such an angel. Now somebody be a sweetie and help me up off of the floor, please!

Today we had our 30 week ultrasound and our boy weighs (approx.) 3 pounds 14 ounces! Baby Center dot com says by week 30 the baby is nearing 3 pounds and the book, Your Pregnancy Week by Week says the baby is about 3 pounds at this point. Now we all know that each baby and each pregnancy can vary a GREAT deal, but still, our baby boy is BIG (or it just seems that way to me)! Our doctor says we are looking at around an 8 pound baby. Yikes!! Epidural, here I come.

My belly measured 30 cm (awesome!) and the little guy is already head down. I would have bet all of the tea in China that he would have been head up because it feels like he is kicking me in the tush, but he must be punching. Mike thinks that's cool because then Wilson (baby's current nickname) will like to box like his daddy. Personally, I am hoping for baseball.

20 Weeks 3 Days

These pictures are from my 20 week appointment on September 5, 2007. Isn't he adorable?

He's looking right at us!

What a purrfect foot if I do say so myself. He really likes to use it to kick mommy all day long.

Opening and closing his mouth. So cool! He is one active little guy. I started feeling him move during the 17th week! I have already gained 23 pounds as of September 5th!

One Hell of a Storm in Chicago

This is the view from my front porch and trust me, pictures do not do the damage on my block justice. My husband and I watched my neighbor's tree go over from our bedroom window, then we grabbed our dog and the one cat that was upstairs and ran downstairs. I was sure our tree was going to fall on our house; it didn't, thank goodness.

Still on my front porch. This is not my car; mine is in the garage.

Still on my front porch. We live right by hwy 90/94 in Chicago and this is a billboard, which up until a little while ago, had an advertisement on it.

That is part of my neighbor's tree hanging precariously from a telephone line. My husband and our neighbor got it down.

Close up of my across the street neighbors tree. He is 85 years old and I was worried about him because he did not come outside after the storm. We knocked on his door for a quite some time, but he did not answer. I will check on him later to make sure that he is okay.

I do not think I have ever seen such bad weather in Chicago and I have lived here my entire life. The sound the storm made and the sight of the trees either bent over to the ground or toppled was surreal. At the time I thought it must be a tornado, but it was a microburst. The news said that another line of storms is coming through soon.

I cannot believe we did not lose power.

46 XY

16 Weeks 3 Days (yesterday)
Heartbeat 150

The tests all came back normal! We are having a boy!

I must admit, I was shocked when our OB said that we were having a boy. This is because almost everyone we are close with and see regularly was certain, absolutely certain that we were having a girl. When I called my mom and told her we knew the gender she said, "It's a girl!" I was like, "Uh...no it's not..." When I called my sister she said, "Is it a girl?" I mean my whole family was sure we were having a girl from the moment of conception. I could tell that my sister was thrilled that we were having a boy, simply thrilled. My mom was just thrilled to know everything was okay; she couldn't care less about the gender. She was so sure we were having a girl, she bought girl stuff already. Now, that is silliness; I didn't even do that, and I saw some cute shit.

I have to say, when we had our first trimester screening ultrasound, I looked at the monitor at our jumping baby and thought, "That is a boy." To me, he looked like a boy even then. I never told anyone this feeling and since then I became convinced that we were having a girl. It is so perfect that we are having a boy because I intended to have an animals and palm trees theme regardless of the gender. I am just not all that into pink, unless it's really bright and bold. I just love the Fisher Price Rainforest collection! I registered for it months ago!!!

I am already thinking about the circumcision. Poor baby.

I sure hope it's true that little boys love their mommies!!

Baby Bump 15 Weeks 6 Days

This is a picture of me, Iceman, my sister, and my Dad; my mom took the picture. It was taken on Saturday, August 4, 2007 when we were celebrating my dad's 63rd birthday. His birthday is actually 8/6 and we just got back from having dinner and birthday cake at my parent's house. My dad is one lucky duckie to celebrate his birthday twice! I feel one should stretch out his or her birthday celebration as long as possible!

We played Yahtzee and I lost 3 of 4 games. Boo hoo. Iceman beat me twice and my mom beat me once. I love playing Yahtzee, but I am getting a little tired of losing. Iceman and I played 6 or 7 games on my birthday, and he won all of them but one!!!

My mom has really taken to rubbing my belly, which is cute and does not bother me, but she has come super duper close to feeling me up on more than one occasion. I mentioned this to her, but she does not care; she is so thrilled about this baby!

I have not heard from the genetic counselor yet. Come on Mr. Uncooked Noodle; we are waiting!!!

Ten Days Since Amniocentesis

Yesterday was 10 days since the amnio, which is significant in that the doctor who performed the test told us that it would take 10 days to get the results. Of course, I did not ask whether that meant 10 business days, nor did I expect to get the results on a Saturday. The thing is, I want to know already or at least know when I will know.

It will be 10 business days since the amnio as well as my next appointment with our OB this coming Wednesday, August 8, 2007. I am hoping that we will have the results before our next appointment, that way we can discuss the results with our OB.

I Finally Got My Pool!

I have been wanting a pool since we bought our house in March of 2005 and I finally have it! As you can see, I did not even wait until the pool was filled, nor did I waste time by putting on a bathing suit. It has been so damn hot and humid in Chicago, this pool went from a want to a need PDQ (pretty damn quick).

I have always been a summer lover and sun worshiper, but lately I cannot handle the heat coupled with the oppressive humidity. It is my wish to one day have an in-ground pool, but in the city, it is nearly impossible to get a permit for an in-ground pool. Because of this we will most likely be suburbanites (eventually), but for now this pool will do the job just fine!

That picture is me with 17-19 more pounds than usual! Ahhhh, the joys of pregnancy. The book, Your Pregnancy Week by Week says that I should have gained 5 pounds at this point in my pregnancy. Ummm, yeah.... fuck off!!

Amniocentesis and the Unquenchable Thirst

14 weeks 3 days
Heartbeat after amnio: 189bpm

We had the amnio on Wednesday, July 25, 2007, one day after my 38th birthday. I had read all about the amniocentesis procedure, so I thought that I was as ready as I could be. What I mean by that is, I assumed that there would be some kind of anesthesia involved, at least a topical numbing of some sort. Well, you know what "they" say about assuming (it makes an ass out of u and me); there was NO anesthesia of any kind! Surprisingly, it did not hurt and I am a big, fat baby when it comes to pain, so trust me when I say that there was no pain during the amnio at all. I had significant cramping for 3 days after the procedure, which scared the shit out of me, but no pain during.

I have to say that the Dr. who performed the amnio is terrific! He is the same Dr. that measured our baby's nuchal fold and to me, he is a rock star! If he can stick that barbecue skewer through my abdomen and into my uterus, suck out the requisite amount of amniotic fluid, and pull that skewer out again without a touch of pain, then he is one heck of a Dr. in my book!!

I spent the 30 to 60 seconds that the skewer was in my uterus staring at the ultrasound machine horrified at the thought of watching our babe making a sudden jump into the needle. s/he didn't, s/he stayed as far away from that needle as space would allow! Now I hate to brag, but we have got one smart kid in there!!!

We should know the results a week from today and of course the gender too, which is sooo freakin' exciting. Now everyone close to us thinks we are having a girl, including my father-in law. It will be so great to know for sure.

The day of the amnio, I felt like total shit all day, even before we went in. I was so nauseous that I sat in the waiting room with a Target bag at the ready. What happened to feeling better during the second trimester? So far, I have felt worse! I felt awful for days after the procedure too. I honestly did not feel better until yesterday. I was just so tired, crampy, and I had a constant headache (probably weather related as it was rainy).

After finally feeling better yesterday, I awoke today with the worst migraine I have had in years. I was actually scared something was wrong with the baby or the pregnancy. I was dizzy, had blurred vision, and could barely pick up my head. We called the OB's office and the dr. on call told Iceman that I could take Vicodin. Thank G-d because Tylenol is like eating 2 M & M's to relieve pain; it just does not work for me. Vicodin did not work well when I got migraines regularly, but it helped this time because I have not taken it in so long. When Iceman told the Dr. that I was scared something might be wrong, she said, "Well then go to the emergency room." I am glad she is not my OB! How about ask why I feel that way or inquire as to my symptoms or something. Anyway, Iceman was right, I do feel better.

I must mention that I have an unquenchable thirst that words cannot adequately describe. If I drank all of the water in the picture above this entry, it wouldn't even make a dent in my thirst. The more I drink the thirstier I become. And the worst part is that my thirst is at its most unquenchable at night, so I wake up every hour to pee. I know I should drink less at night, but I simply cannot do that, I am just too damned thirsty.

I want to wish my girlfriend C a big congratulations on her pregnancy with identical twins!!! I am so happy for you, L, and C (and the dogs, cats, and fish too). I wish you a happy and healthy pregnancy and I will call you very soon! You are a doll and deserve all the best. I wish you still lived here! I am thinking of you. I want you to know that when I talk about you with my husband, he refers to you as my friend with the flat stomach!!!

Damned If I Do; Damned If I Don't

The genetic counselor (Mr. Personality of an Uncooked Noodle) called this afternoon to give us the results of our combined first trimester screening. Iceman, my mom, and I felt pretty confident after the nuchal fold measurement came back at 1.5mm, too confident I'm afraid.

The good news first:

• Our chances of Cystic Fibrosis are very low as I appear not to be a carrier. The counselor said that the results are not 100%, but we have a "very low risk" of having a child with Cystic Fibrosis. Sounds good to me!


• Our chances of having a child with Trisomy 13 or Trisomy 18 are 1 in 4,800. Terrific odds! Before the testing my odds were 1 in 245. Quite a nice improvement if I do say so myself.

Now the not so terrific news. Mr. Personality told me that based on my age alone and before any testing was taken into account I had a 1 in 136 chance of having a child with Down's Syndrome. The combined results have come back that I have a 1 in 80 chance of having a child with Down's Syndrome. Not such good odds, relatively speaking.

In my last post I had said that we would consider more invasive testing if our odds were greater than 1 in 300 and in my mind, 1 in 250 was a possibility as well, but shit, I did not think the results would come back like this considering the nuchal fold measurement. My OB said that it must have been the blood work that swayed the results. Whatever the reason, after discussing this with Iceman, my OB, his nurse, and my mom, we are going to do an amniocentesis. It is scheduled for next week Wednesday, July 25th, the day after my 38th birthday.

I was concerned when they scheduled it next week because on the day of the test I will only be 14 weeks 3 days. I voiced this concern to the lady who called to schedule the test. She said that the doctor reviewed the results and wanted the test scheduled in the next one or two weeks. I am glad to do it soon, but I will double-check with the doctor before he punctures me with that needle.

I have to say, following the initial news, I was upset and anxious, but I feel better now. I do not feel that our baby has Down's Syndrome (poo poo poo, knock on wood, bite my tongue). For the time being, I am comfortable in our plan to do an amnio and will handle each development as it comes.

It will be cool to find out the gender before 20 weeks! Now that is a silver lining!!!

I haven't told my close friend, S or my sister yet; I just did not have the strength today. I am very drained, tired, and constantly THIRSTY. I could drink a baby pool full of ice water in two shakes of a lamb's tale for goodness sake!

150 Beats Per Minute

Wow!!! I cannot believe how much s/he has grown; s/he is a baby already! I had no idea what wonderful things we would see at this appointment. Look at those fingers. You can even see her/his cheekbone.

We heard the heartbeat today and it was awesome. I was starting to get scared because we had not been to the doctor in 4 weeks and a lot can happen from week 8 to week 12. When I heard that heartbeat I was so beyond words thrilled!! Our OB, who I trust completely (not something that I say lightly or often) said that our baby's heartbeat is "in the girl range." I thought that was an old wives tale, but that's what he said, so if I say she instead of s/he that's why. Just about everyone close to me thinks we are having a girl. It will be interesting to see. Awhile ago my father-in-law said he thinks we are having a boy, but I suspect wishful thinking on his part as his daughter is pregnant with a girl.

We went to the geneticist after our OB appointment and had our first trimester scan where they measure the nuchal fold of the baby's neck as a screening for a trisomy (three chromosomes where there should be a pair). The trisomy's are: Downs Syndrome (Trisomy 21), Trisomy 13 and Trisomy 18 . Our little baby was jumping all around in there and waving her arms. I swear she looked at me a waved!

They do this early scan in conjunction with blood work and then take all of the results combined with my age and give us a 1 in blah blah chance of having a baby with a Trisomy. Obviously this is non-invasive and cannot harm the baby. I am happy to do any detailed scans and blood work that poses no risk to the baby. The doctor said that the baby's nuchal fold should be under 2mm and definitely under 2.5mm. Our little babe's was 1.5mm, which they said was great! We should have the 1 in blah blah results in about 3 days. The medical community has an unwritten cut-off of 1 in 300 being a risk. At this point I am thinking that if our risk of a trisomy comes back as over 1 in 300, then I will not have an amniocentesis, if it is under 1 in 300, then I may.

I am just so happy that s/he is so active and apparently happy. We may have a dancer or a swimmer in there!

169 Beats Per Minute

8 Weeks 3 Days (yesterday 6/13/07)
CRL: 17.6 mm
GA: 8 weeks 2 days

I went to my OB's office last week for blood work and Iceman and I went yesterday for our first appointment with our OB. It is so wonderful to be in the care of this office!!! What a change from the horrible nurse-witches at the RE's office. Following the appointment yesterday I felt terrific, like everything will be okay and that I can handle it all.

I was so excited when they tried to use the Doppler ultrasound (on top of the abdomen), but they could not find the baby. The tech told us it was due to my having a tilted uterus, but I was scared! Back to the trans-vaginal ultrasound. I panicked a bit until she found the baby. Then I panicked until I saw the little heart beating, then I cried when I saw the arm! I was so shocked; I screamed out, "I see the arm, I see the arm!" Then I wasn't sure, so I asked if it really was the arm and it was!! Then I saw the leg and I was thrilled; this is our baby!!! Awesome! I told iceman and the tech, "I have looked at many ultrasounds of other people's kids and I never knew what I was looking at. I knew immediately when I saw my kid's arm and leg!" It was beyond words awe inspiring!

Iceman thinks the baby looks like a teddy bear and the tech agreed with him. I think s/he looks like a real baby already and that is pretty darn cool.

Every one we know tells us their gender opinion... "Your having a boy." or "Wendy's having a girl." Hmmmm. It's funny how there is never an "I think" it is always a definite. I only mention this 'cause I think it's a little strange that people are so sure about their opinion, but nice that people care enough about our pregnancy to give a shit whether we are having a boy or girl. Personally, I change my mind about the gender multiple times a day. It will be awesome when we find out, then I can start spending ($ we don't have). I did buy two pairs of Cubs booties yesterday. They were on sale and since our bundle will be born in the winter, s/he will need warm booties. This is the second purchase I have made for the baby. The first was a rocking stuffed elephant. There was only one left and I had to have it!!!

145 Beats Per Minute

7 weeks 1 day
Exit Appointment with RE! Yeah!!! No more nurse S...
AKA: Waste of viable human organs, Nurse Ratchet

Heartbeat: 145

CRL (crown rump length): 12.1mm

CRL Calculated Gest. Age: 7.4

CRL six days ago at 6 w 2 d: 6.7 mm

CRL Calculated Gest. Age: 6.6

CRL Measures: 6 weeks 3 days

113 Beats Per Minute

6 weeks 2 days

Heartbeat: 113
(normal heartbeat at 6-7 weeks is 90-110 beats per minute)

Progesterone: 24.1

No need for beta HCG
(took that as a good sign!)


We saw the heartbeat! Iceman was so cute; before I could even see the screen he was like a kid in a candy store, "I see it! I see it!" I have to say, when I first inserted the light saber in my crotch and the tech was quietly looking around in there, I was scared, scared that they wouldn't see a heartbeat, but then Iceman saw it. It was pretty darn cool. My clothes are already tight, no shit!

So, I have mentioned my nurse S. before and the fact that she is a waste of viable human organs (I can't take credit for that one, my friend Staci coined that phrase), well today I lost it at the clinic. S. saw me while making my next appointment, and of course, said nothing to acknowledge my presence. I had a question and again she brushed me off like an annoying fly in her ear. While Iceman was using the bathroom (very small bladder) I stood by the reception desk. The young lady behind the counter (nice girl) asked if she could help me or if I was waiting for S. I told her that I was not waiting for S. then I went on to say (abridged version)...

Me: "I cannot stand that woman!"


Receptionist: "I totally understand." (I could tell that she really did understand; she had a teeny knowing smirk flash across her face)


Me: "That woman is a fucking bitch!" (I am tearing up at this point)


Me: "She treats me like this every time I am here. She never even called me when we found out we were pregnant! She is my nurse and she still has not called me. She treats me like shit!" (I am in tears by now)


Receptionist: "I am so sorry. What is your question? I can ask someone else. I will report this; you will never have to deal with her again."



Well, unfortunately I did have to deal with her again because she is the one who called me with my results. S. had the nerve to mention my being upset earlier today and I told her that I did not want to discuss it. I had just woken up from a nap because I had a horrible headache. This bitch went on to make a bunch of excuses about being short one nurse and it being busy after a holiday, blah, blah, blah, and fuck you!!! You treated me the exact same way 17 dpIUI when I came in for my second beta and no one else was in the office that day. I just got my results and instructions and goodbye nurse Ratchet.

N., the tech who draws my blood told me to make an OB ultrasound and blood work exit appointment for next week. I did, but nurse Ratchet called and said the the doctor looked at my ultrasound and blood work and that there was no need for my u/s and b/w appointment next week (6/5) and to cancel it; just keep the exit appointment with the doctor (6/12). Being that I just woke up from a nap and that I was displeased (to say the least) that Ratchet was the one to call me, I did not ask why there was no need for the appointment. I am assuming that it is because things are looking good (knock on wood, bite your tongue), but the receptionist had said that we would hear the heartbeat at the next visit and now I am a little upset that we won't be doing that. I am planning on moving my exit appointment with the doctor up to next Monday. He had an appointment that day, but we didn't take it because he is at an office very far away, but now I don't care, I just want to move on to my OB and hear our baby's heartbeat ASAP!

I really like N., the lady who takes my blood. She told me that she was so glad that I didn't have to keep going go through this (fertility treatments). That was very sweet of her to say. I gave her a hug goodbye. She was the only one who told me my follicle sizes, how many follicles there were, what to expect next, my HCG levels, etc. That is not even her job, but she made a point to give me some information and comfort when I obviously needed it; I will always remember her for that. I did tell this to my doctor at our last consult and I will tell him again at my exit appointment. Good work needs to be acknowledged and appreciated. I will also mention S. and her total lack of human skills, unapologetic self importance, and complete disregard for her patients fears, needs, confusion, and feelings.

Most importantly, we are pregnant following our first IUI, and that is a miracle that no one expected, least of all me! I am still somewhat in shock, though waking up 100 times a night in a cold sweat, having to pee is starting to make it pretty real for us, as is needing to buy new clothes already. I know that we are still at the beginning and have a lot of hurdles to jump, but this is wonderful and we are thrilled to be on our way to parenthood.

Kicked Butt

So, I haven't mentioned the fact that I quit smoking. It has been indescribably horrendous, but I had to do it. This will be my sixth day smoke free and my husband is so proud of me. My father-in-law gave me shit yesterday for not quitting earlier. He was horrified that I was "5 weeks" pregnant and only 5 days of not smoking. He actually huffed and sulked out of the room in disgust. He doesn't get the dating from our last menstrual period (LMP) thing, so he has decided to be Mr. Judgmental and Mr. Horrified all at once. You know, it's funny, he smoked most of his adult life and quit a couple of years ago, and now he's the preacher of what is okay and not okay for everone else. It's amazing how all of his kids turned out so terrific, considering all of the cigarettes that were smoked and wine and vodka that was guzzled when they were in utero. I feel bad enough about my weaknesses, I don't need to be chastised about one of them after I quit. No medal needed or deserved, just some restraint regarding unsolicited advice and unwanted opinions would be terrific, thanks.

Don't misunderstand, I love my father-in-law to death, which is why his attitude hurt my feelings. He's been badgering us about having kids for nearly 10 years and the first time I see him since we found out that we are pregnant, he acts cold and distant. That hurt. Not even a hug when we came in the door. After a few uncomfortable moments my husband says to him, "Why don't you give your pregnant daughter-in-law a hug?" Maybe he's just paranoid or superstitious. Maybe because his daughter is pregnant, he doesn't care about us being pregnant as much. I sure hope that's not it.

When we were at my in-laws yesterday my sister-in-law (who is 18 weeks pregnant) and my husband agreed that part of the reason for my panic attacks is my quitting smoking cold turkey. This was mildly comforting in that I don't want to be insane. I wish I shared their belief, but I am leaning toward my being semi & part-time crazy. Also, my first panic attack in quite a while was May 5th, and I was still smoking at that time. That one could possibly attributed to stopping Zoloft cold-turkey, but who knows? I just hope I make it through this pregnancy with what's left of my sanity in tact.

Another Panic Attack

I absolutely must see a doctor about these G-d damned panic attacks. About 30 minutes after I went to bed last night I woke up with my heart thumping out of my chest. I got out of bed, and because I cannot take Xanax, I decided to go take Benadryl. My husband stopped me and tried to calm me down, but the shaking, heart palpitations, not being able to catch my breath, tears, confusion, and indescribable fear and panic is gonna fuckin' kill me. This may get worse as the pregnancy progresses (knock on wood, bite your tongue, etc.) and I do not think this is good for any of us (me, my husband, and Ri-short for Rice; my sister's name for the babe).

I don't even understand where this comes from, but after this panic attack, all of my thoughts turned dark. I started thinking of things that really depressed and confused me. You know how when you have a really bad dream and it colors your whole day in bleakness and haze? Well that is how this is, only on crack. I just want to be happy. Honestly, my true life's goal is to be content (winning the lottery is a very close second though).

Also, is it a panic attack, an anxiety attack, or a two-for-one combo? I understand having a panic attack on an airplane or even in a crowded restaurant, but in my bed wrested from a sound sleep? Maybe this is still an after effect of my going off Zoloft from April 24 to May 8? I don't know, but I cannot keep going through this. I so wish that I wasn't crazy. I have heard it said that people with a high intelligence have a greater propensity to suffer from maladies such as: anxiety, panic, and depression. If this is in fact true, I prefer the ignorance is bliss life model! I'll gladly trade in some I.Q. points for a little peace of mind (not really, but a pregnancy class B or even C Benzodiazepine would be greatly appreciated).

This is our cat Squeaks comforting me after my panic attack. If you click on the top picture you can see on my watch that it is 3:40 something am. I sure could have used a Xanax instead!

Prince Charming

You Gotta Kiss a Lot of Frogs

Unfortunately, you have got to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your Prince Charming, but how many? My poor sister has "kissed" a lot of frogs lately.

My husband, my sister, her friend and I went out to a great tapas restaurant for dinner. We were going to come back to our house to play some games, but my sister was tired, so she and her friend decided to call it a night. Well she just called me with a story that I feel I must share.

A while ago, my sister was set up with her friend's boyfriend's friend (not the friend who went to dinner with us tonight). They dated briefly, but he turned out to be a bit of a turd, so end of story, right? Not exactly. This turd just called my sister's cell phone (she saw who it was and didn't answer) and left her a message saying that he was at a bar and for her to call him back. Well, she had no intention of doing so, but her friend convinced her to send him a text (why I don't know), so here is the text conversation,

My sister: "You rang..."

Turd: "I did."

My sister: "and..."

and this schmuck texts back, "I want to fuck."

Now he is obviously 6 cans short of a 6 pack because what else could she say but, "Well then, go fuck yourself!" Classic! How often are we afforded the opportunity to use such a perfect retort?

By the way, he has yet to respond. He must have taken her up on her suggestion.

Beta Times Two and Then Some!

I went for my second beta today and I was soooo scared that the numbers would fall short, but I was thrilled to hear that my...

beta was: 1112

and my

progesterone was: 28.9

My HCG is doubling every 1.56 days or 37.51 hours (I used online calculators to figure this out; math is not my strong suit). That seems really terrific, judging from the averages that I have seen on the Internet.

I am not sure why the progesterone level fell, but the doctor (the lady who takes my blood called me, not my doctor; it was a nice day to play golf) seemed unconcerned, so I will try to be as well. Our next appointment is on Tuesday, May 29th and it is for our first ultrasound (Yeah!!!). If all goes well at this appointment, then I will hopefully begin to relax (a teensy bit).

I am elated beyond words, but I have fears, fears that no one close to me wants to hear and to be frank, I don't blame them; I don't want to have these fears either. Understandably, we all (my husband, mom and sister) want to relish in the excitement, but I have these nagging fears regardless.

A high, doubling HCG number is great news, but it also could indicate a molar pregnancy and although they are relatively rare (about 1 in 1000 or 1 in 1500) I think about the possibility. By the way, I wouldn't even know what a molar pregnancy is, but I just read the book Waiting for Daisy and the author had a partial molar pregnancy. The more I read about molar pregnancies, the more I realize that I am just a nutcase; it is unlikely.

I also think about my dear friend who saw a heartbeat at six weeks, started spotting, and two days later the heartbeat was no more. Not long before that my same friend had a blighted ovum and lost that pregnancy too. It is hard not to let these thoughts seep into my consciousness and because I am a little nuts and I don't want to spoil the fun for other people, I have to give these fears voice somewhere.

I must go back to my elation. I am thrilled, but I am definitely still in shock. I never really thought this would work, especially with my dx, the chances of success given me by my RE, and the many failed IUI's of friends, acquaintances, and online buddies. My excitement is tempered by two online friends who were on the same journey with me day by day, but now have to endure yet another cycle of IF treatment. Another online friend received the news of a negative beta, and I know that there is nothing I can do or say to ease their pain. I feel so guilty and I want so much to still be online friends, but will they still want to talk with me? I really don't blame them if they pull back; I know how hard the disappointment of a failed cycle is. I just wish we all got positive, doubling betas and we could go through our first pregnancies together.

I offer no advice; my RE seemingly pulled a rabbit out of an empty hat and I am grateful beyond words, but saddened all the same for my special friends who are still waiting for their miracles. I will be here pulling for and waiting with you.

Beta Bing

Holy fucking shit..........,

I AM PREGNANT!!!!!!!!

It may even be twins!

Any thoughts on this possibilty are welcome and will be greatly appreciated!

Beta: 458 (wow!)
Progesterone: 39 (awesome, no oil shots or suppositories)

I am beyond shocked and thrilled. My RE really is a magic maker! The odds were stacked against us and we are elated. That doesn't mean that I am not worrying about all of the things that could go awry, especially at my age, but those thoughts are for a later post. For now, we are basking in the light of a miracle. I am pregnant.

(My next beta is Wednesday May 16th @ 11:00 am)

Cycle day 27
15 dpo/IUI
17 dp HCG Trigger
10 dp HCG Booster

Um, I Think I May Be Pregnant

The top HPT in the picture is 2 days past HCG trigger, The middle HPT is 5 days past trigger, and the bottom HPT is 10 days past HCG booster (today). The doses of the trigger and booster were the same.

Today is:

• cycle day 27 (my cycles average 25 days)


• 17 dp trigger


• 15 dpo/IUI (I should have had my period by now)


• 10 dp HCG booster (could it still be in my system?)

I ran out of the Dollar Tree tests, so I had to use my "good" test this morning. The only problem with this is that I cannot compare it to yesterday's test (until I go to Dollar Tree to buy more). I can, however, compare it to earlier tests and the result looks quite promising.

My husband is excited (yesterday he was beyond skeptical and kind of a buzz kill when we showed my parents the HPTs at Mother's Day lunch), but he still wants to wait for the result of the blood test because he doesn't trust the HPT result; he fears that the HCG may be tricking us. He says that he is "straddling the edge of excitement" right now and is, "reserving his excitement for after the blood test." I can't blame him, he has been a pessimist since I met him while I am always usually optimistic. Plus, we both like quantifiable evidence to believe in something, though him more than me; I am starting to believe!

I have my job interview in 2 hours and 50 minutes and I slept 2-3 hours at the most last night. I am scared, scared of all of the possibilites, good and bad. I told Iceman this, and he told me that now is not the time for such thoughts, but they are there. Right now I must try to concentrate on....I don't know what.

I will post again after I get the results of the beta.

Contradiction

I literally JUST squirted the requisite 4 drops of pee on the bottom HPT and G-d damned if it isn't darker than yesterday's, and the one from the day before!

Problem: It is 15 dpo and my temperature just dropped, exactly as it would when I am about to get my period. I am nauseous, but that's normal too!!!

Shit, my temperature dropped, my back hurts, I feel like my period is coming..., but that line IS most definitely fuckin' darker; isn't it?? What does it mean? My fucking temperature dropped! Now I am so confused. I am watching it next to me and it IS VERY dark, but my G-d damned temp. dropped significantly, from 98.39 yesterday to 97.79 today!

I guess if I don't get my period today, then I will know after the beta tomorrow. If I do get my period today, should I go in for the beta anyway?? Again...the agony!

HELP ME!

Should I do the First Response test? These are Dollar Tree cheapies, so that I could test incessantly w/out losing my house. Should I buy more of these as I just used my last one, or should I wait and do nothing until tomorrow?

They did my IUI on a Sunday, why the FUCK can't they do a beta on a Sunday?

After all of this time, I longed to see a positive HPT, and now that I MAY have one, I have no idea if it's real...........

Real or Memorex?

Holy Fuckin' shit! Today is 15 dp trigger, 8 dp HCG booster, 13 dpo/IUI and that damn line looks darker than yesterday! Is this real? The nurse and the RE told me that I "should" get a reliable result today, but because I have tested every fuckin' day since the HCG booster, and gotten 2 lines every day, I have no idea what's real, what's artificial injection and I cannot get a beta until Monday! Don't they know we cannot wait that long? How can they not do beta tests over the weekend? I need to know now! FUCK! SHIT! I feel like my period is coming and I need some beta numbers, not just a second line.

Somebody help! I NEED A BETA!!!

I have now officially driven myself crazy. I thought doing a test each day was smart, that way I could know when the HCG shots were out of my system, and now I can't even get quantifiable evidence until Monday. Ohhh the agony.

By 7 days past the trigger (top HPT in picture), the line was super faint, almost nonexistent, now I am 8 days past the booster (bottom HPT in picture) and the line is definitely there; looking darker than yesterday (middle HPT in picture). I am beside myself with confusion. I cannot even be happy or sad or anything. Where can I get a beta on a Saturday?

Oh my G-d, this is crazy; I am crazy! Maybe I should do another test? Maybe the same kind, maybe a different kind? I am such a control freak and I need to know now! Not in two days, not on Monday, today, right fuckin' now!

I have no way out except patience and I have long since run out.

Welcome to the 35-44 Age Group

Today is Iceman's 35th birthday! I put this picture from his birthday last year because it is so damned cute! We went to his favorite sushi restaurant (eek!) and no, I did not eat any raw fish! I rarely do, I like fried stuff; he likes the raw stuff. I want you to know that my husband is a wonderful man and I am very lucky to have him. He loves me exactly as I am, flaws, failings, fears, fuck-ups and all, and for that I am eternally grateful. I am one lucky bitch.

I am supposedly 12 dpo/IUI and 14 dp HCG trigger; my IUI was Sunday, April, 29. We had our 'if we didn't conceive this cycle' consult on Tuesday and the decision was made that due to my "diagnosis" (translation-high FSH), we will move on to IVF-IF I am not pregnant. My doses will be increased in the hopes of getting more than one mature egg. I sure don't think a needle through the vaginal canal is worth it for one egg. Speaking of one egg, when I mentioned my most likely only having had one mature egg this cycle (300 Follistim for 7 days) to my RE, guess what he said..."It only takes one." Now, because he is an RE, I guess it's okay, but I did snicker a bit. When other people say that to me, I have this strange urge to head-butt them.

You know, I was really psyched that we could possibly find out if we were going to be parents on Iceman's birthday or Mother's Day, but today is too early for a reliable result and my RE doesn't do blood tests on the weekends (what the fuck kinda shit is that?). In hindsight or foresight or whatever sight, it is probably better this way. Last summer I got my period on my birthday and it SUCKED! Not only was I not pregnant, I felt like complete shit! The next month I got my period, then came home from my in-laws to find my beloved cat Washington, our first pet, dead on the counter with his head in a pool of blood from an apparent aneurysm.

I must tell you that I have been pissing on HPTs all fucking week; every day since Friday 5/4 and also on 4/29 and 5/2. The first time I POAS after the HCG shot was pretty cool 'cuz I had only seen positive pregnancy tests on the cover of the boxes in which they are sold. The real problem now is that by 5/4 the HCG trigger (I shot up w/ Ovidrel on 4/27) was nearly out of my system; the line on the HPT was super faint, but on 5/4 my RE had me do an HCG booster, so the damned things are still positive. My nurse told me to test 15 dpIUI (tomorrow), but how reliable will that be since the HCG is still showing up today? Also, if it is positive, I can't go in for the fuckin' beta until Monday. Again, it's probably best, but if I get my period on Mother's Day, I am sure that I will be wallowing in the irony of it.

Back to the if I didn't conceive consult. I asked my RE about him wanting me to go off Zoloft. I told him that the tech who takes my blood told me that HE told her to tell me that I must go off of it ASAP. His response was that he never tells his patients to just stop anti-depressants cold turkey like that. I told him that I didn't quite trust what she said, so when I came in for my next u/s and b/w, I asked her again and she sang the same exact tune. He said that he was going to talk to her because he never said anything like that. Now, I do not want her to get in any trouble because I like her; she treats me nicely and prints out all of my results for me, but I stopped Zoloft cold turkey because she told me to, and that is just not cool. I hope she doesn't start hurting me with that needle now when I come in for my b/w!

I also told him my feelings about the u/s tech who I have been unlucky enough to have had nearly every time I have gone in. She wields that ultrasound wand like a light saber, I kid you not! I mean shit, that hurts, especially on day 3. What bothered me more than her less than gentle probing of my nether region, and her cold, dismissive, uncaring demeanor, was what I feel was a major faux pas on her part.

On April 26 I went in for my u/s and b/w. The office called that afternoon to tell me that my RE wanted me to go an extra day on Follistim and Ganirelex to see if we could get my second largest follicle to mature before the trigger. The bigger follicle was 19.5mm and the second was 13mm. Okay, so I go in the next day and light saber tech measured one follicle at 19.5mm and the other at 13.5mm . I casually mention that I am surprised because I went an extra day on the meds in the hopes of some growth on the smaller follicle. She then remeasures the bigger follicle and says, "Oh, well when I take the average of the measurements, it's actually 21.5mm." First of all, why didn't you measure correctly the first time? Secondly, why am I telling you how to do your job? and third, why didn't you measure the smaller follicle again? This pissed me off and it didn't sink in until after I left the office. If I could have gone back, I would have asked to her to remeasure it, but shit, I am still a novice at this. Needless to say, I felt that I must tattle because this is a heart rending process without a cold bitch for a tech. and I need to be treated with a little more professionalism and TLC. I try to do unto others ya know what I mean?

My RE assured me that her diagnostic skills are top notch (he basically gave me her resume of experience and training), but that her people skills leave a lot to be desired. This made me feel better for two reasons, 1) he has confidence in her skills and 2) he knows she is a cold bitch. He said that he was glad that I told him all of this because he wants me to feel comfortable coming in to the office. I hope he means this because it is hard enough going in alone every other day to get poked in the crotch by a light saber, jabbed with a needle in my bruised and battered inner elbow, and then go home to jab myself in my swollen, mutilated abdomen with more needles.

Fertility/infertility treatment is such fun!

I am beginning to feel as though my period is coming. I hope I am wrong!


Below is our cat Squeaks (isn't she a stunner) in front of the balloon bouquet that I made for Iceman's birthday. Iceman named her; I wanted to name her Lupin because as a kitten she looked like a wolf, but now I get to name the maybe baby! Incidentally, he doesn't remember that we made that deal. Too bad; I win!

Dude, Where's My Job?

How do I have time to sit on the computer all day, especially when my house is in dyer need of cleaning? Don't I have a job? Funny you should ask. At the present time, I do not have a job. It's not that I don't want a job; I do, unless I become independently wealthy, that is. Then my job will be to donate exorbitant sums of money to worthy causes, and live a life of leisure (pronounced Leh-shur) and shopping.

I had a job, I was a teacher in the Chicago Public Schools for ten years, then I was a counselor/case manager in the same school district for two years. Well, what happened? I'll tell ya.

On January 30, 2006 I was at my job as a counselor/case manager, working hard to serve the students on my case load and fix all of the ills facing the school in which I worked. I wore many hats in that job, most of which were meant to be worn by my boss, the school's principal, but I was better at wearing said hats than he was. Too bad his salary was double that of mine, which left a bitter taste in my mouth; similar to that of cyanide escaping from a poisoned corpse, but I digress. Anyway, I was in the middle of a pretty stressful day, when I started having cramps on the right side of my lower abdomen. This did not bother me too much because as I have gotten older, the cramps associated with my period have gotten progressively worse. The thing was, I did not have my period. I still didn't worry, because as I said, it was a stressful day and I attributed my cramps to to either an indication of an impending early period, stress, or a combination of the two.

I stood up from my desk to go to the bathroom, and I had a shockingly sharp cramp. The kind of cramp that brings you down to the floor, regardless of where you are at the time. I was, thank goodness, alone in my office. I recovered from said cramp and was about to resume my trek to the bathroom when I had a sudden wave of severe nausea and abdominal cramping. I ran to the bathroom so as to avoid puking on my office floor. I didn't throw up (I hate to throw up, will do anything within my power to avoid it), but then I began to worry.

The cramping continued and so did the nausea. I went to my trusty Google search engine to see if these may be symptoms of something serious. All symptoms said appendicitis. I called Iceman at work and told him how I was feeling. He left work toot sweet (he is a middle school teacher who was in the middle of standing and delivering), flew over to my job, picked me up, and off to the ER we went. I should mention that Iceman doesn't miss work for ANYTHING, ever. I believe he took a sick day once, only because I made him, demanded that he stay home; he was extremely sick. Even then he only stayed home for one day, when any reasonable person would have probably been out all week. He was worried too.

We get to the ER and they ask a bunch of questions, one being "Could you be pregnant?" "Well, yes, I could be." I stated confidently. We had begun to try to get pregnant, so maybe it was an ectopic? Nope. (we didn't yet know that a natural pregnancy was unlikely at best) Was it an appendicitis? Nope. After numerous tests I was told to see a urologist ASAP because there was "major amounts of blood in my urine and mild hydronephrosis on my right kidney." This didn't surprise me because I had been having a major amount of blood in my urine for about ten years, but I wanted to finally find out what was causing it. The hydronephrosis was just a nice bonus.

The first urologist we saw showed us my scan and one of my ureters was "missing." It also appeared that I had a swollen mass in my bladder, a 9mm lesion on my left kidney, and a bump on my liver in addition to the blood in my urine. Because of those things, I was scheduled for a cystourethroscopy (cystoscopy, for short). This procedure was to be done on an outpatient basis at the hospital, under a general anesthetic. I took a medical leave of absence because the surgery couldn't be done until February 13, 2006, I was still in considerable pain, and after 10 days of absence in the Chicago Public Schools, one must apply for and receive a medical leave of absence. I did this right away, just in case; assuming that I would be back in the saddle lickety split. Well, that was not to be.

The lining of my bladder was red, raw, irritated, bled when touched, and was covered with glomerulations (hemorrages) of blood vessels, but the ureter was not "missing" and it was not blocked. This was a possible indication of Interstitial Cystitis (IC). The mass was benign, so that was good, but when stretched to capacity with saline, my bladder bled and was the size of a normal person's bladder, non-stretched. Another possible sign of Interstitial Cystitis. The doctor reported his findings to my family while I was in recovery; I was glad that I had a diagnosis after years of gross hematuria. Then, when I spoke with the urologist (#1) at my post operative consult, he said that it wasn't Interstitial Cystitis because the biopsy came back normal. Now, I freely admit that I am no urologist, but a biopsy does not indicate or contraindicate the disease, it merely rules out cancer. This urologist specialized in male urological disorders, so on to my second urologist.

My second urologist (a urogynecologist) was a mensch, a wonderful man who made me feel that I had come to the right place. He felt that it was Interstitial Cystitis, but that there was no reliable treatment except in the form of pelvic floor exercises with a specially trained physical therapist, and pills that may help control bladder spasms (they didn't). He did this bladder test, which involved filling my bladder with saline to test it's capacity. Well, this procedure had just begun when said saline literally shot out from my vagina straight at him and his nurse. I was mortified and they were in shock. Through my shouts of embarrassed apology, they confirmed that I have severe bladder spasms (duh) and that I obviously had IC and OAB (Overactive Bladder). I was sent to an OB for a trans vaginal ultrasound (my first of many) because often times IC and endometriosis are found concurrently.

The OB (actually, I only saw an ultrasound tech) found what appeared to be an adnexal cyst or endometrioma, which may be an indication of endometriosis; I was referred to an RE for further testing (it is April by this time). This RE (1st) was a pompous prick and I detested him immediately. He condescendingly told me that it may or may not be an endometrioma. One cannot tell via ultrasound, only through a laparoscopy. Now, he is the professional and he obviously knows more than I, but don't act like an ass; I'm not stoopid. Just tell me what we are going to do next. Lucky for me I was on day 3 of my cycle, so I had my second trans. vag. u/s and day 3 blood work. We were going to do the clomid challenge starting on cycle day 5, following the results of my blood work. On day 5 I get a call from his majesty's office asking where to call in my Rx, when the nurse or tech or whatever she was shouts, "Wow, your estradiol level is very high. I must talk to the doctor to see if he still wants you to start the clomid challenge test." Nice, very professional lady. Why didn't you look at my results before you called me? She speaks with G-d and I get the go-ahead to begin the test. At this point I have no idea what a day 3 estradiol level of 102 means.

Three days into the test, I have what I presume to be a profound nervous breakdown. All I am thinking about is the death of everyone that I love, including my pets. I rock back and forth on my couch wide eyed, seized with panic, confusion, and non-stop crying. I call my mom's cell phone; no answer. I call my husband's cell phone; no answer. Fuck, I am losing it and I cannot get in touch with anyone. I call G-d's office and report my psychosis. The lady on the other end of the line was a sweetheart (I sent her a heartfelt thank you card). She explained that this happens to some people on clomid and that if I wanted to stop the test, I could. I did!

As it turned out, G-d was not able to do the laparoscopy because my insurance wouldn't cover it; I had to have an OB/GYN do the procedure. I did not have an OB/GYN at the time as my GP had been doing my yearly paps forever. My GP and urologist both recommended the same OB/GYN and off to the next doctor I went.

He was a great guy, and a fabulous diagnostician, I was to later find out. We scheduled the laparoscopy in conjunction with my urologist so that he could do a cyctsocopy at the same time. Two-for-one, good deal; I'll take it. My urolosist did not feel that the cystoscopy was necessary as he was pretty sure what I had, but being the mensch that he is, he obliged me.

Good news and bad news. After the surgery, my OB/GYN reported to my family that I did not have endometriosis (good news), I did have a paraovarian cyst (no biggie, unless it gets to be a biggier cyst and twists my ovary), and that my ovaries were losing function (bad news). In our post surgery consult, he suggested that Iceman and I try for a couple of months to get pregnant naturally because following a laparoscopy, a woman is quite fertile for approx. 3-4 months. We obliged for six months, to no avail. Referral to second RE.

This last surgery was in June of 2006. I got my return to work letter and went to re-enlist in the trenches of the Chicago Public Schools, confident that my job was safely awaiting my return. WRONG! I had been bumped out of my position, but I could become a substitute teacher. WHAT!?! I don't think so. What the fuck happened to my job? Where is my protection under the FMLA (Family Medical Leave Act)? It seems that there is a loophole, of which I was unaware. You see, because I was in a cerified position (need a type 73 certificate) with a temporary certification (type 78 certificate), I had no protection under the FMLA.

I was still in graduate school at the time working on my Master's in School Counseling and I had become a Student Development Teacher (SDT, not to be confused with STD) in order to work as a counselor/case manager. By becoming a SDT and obtaining a temporary certificate (type 78) I was able to do the job of a counselor/case manager until I earned my degree and certification. This program was developed because there was a monumental shortage of certified counselors in CPS and the positions needed to be filled. It doesn't matter; I was fucked. I had no recourse, and I had no job.

To be honest, I hated that job. For many reasons, the main one being that my boss, a new principal with NO experience, was a total douche bag (Iceman's favorite derogatory term). It wasn't so much that he had no idea how to run a school, which he didn't; it was that he did not care to learn. He put all of his work on me and his assistant principal while he was on his computer all day doing nothing. The prick was scared of the kids for Christ's sake! Total fuckhead! If he didn't know how to do something (which was almost every aspect of running a school), he wouldn't; we would have to do it. Now, I am a hard worker and I have a passion for figuring things out, so extra work does not bother me, but...when important documents from the Board of Education are addressed by name to the principal of a school, specifically requesting that S/HE do something, it is obnoxious to literally cross out your name and write WENDY over it and put it in my mailbox. I mean what kind of shit is that?

Anyway, that is the how and why of me losing my job. You can see that in some ways it was a blessing in disguise. I have since heard that the place has fallen apart (YEAH!), which is too bad for the kids, but the teachers are terrific, so it won't really affect them anyway. Plus, hopefully the sad state of the place will solidify that the incompetent, pissant will not have his contract renewed next year. Ahhh, dare to dream. Another blessing was that I was able to go to school full-time and finish my master's degree. The downside is that Iceman and I are fuckin' dead broke. I still haven't found a job, and if the lottery doesn't pan out....

It will, I WILL WIN! No worries, somebody's gonna lotto, might as well be me!!!

Panic Attack

It's official, I had my first panic attack in quite awhile. The last time was about 10 months ago when I was in the back seat of my sister's transitional boyfriend's car. He was a crazy driver, so naturally I blame him. I had my trusty Xanax in my purse, so problem solved.

About an hour ago I was jolted from a sound sleep shaking with anxiety. I woke up Iceman, got out of bed, and paced around the bedroom like a caged animal. He asked what was wrong and as I fumbled to explain what was wrong, I realized that I could not find the words to describe what I was feeling. I took off my top, paced back and forth (that's bad naked for you Seinfeld fans), then got back into bed. Got out of bed again, put on a different top, then got back into bed. Got back out of bed and went to my trusty computer. No sense in needlessly worrying Iceman, especially because he wants what is best for me and if the fertility meds make me crazy, he will want me to stop taking them; I mean injecting them. I am starting to feel better! This blogging thing may be my new Xanax. Awesome!

I am not sure if this panic attack is partly due to the multitude of fertility meds. in my system, going off Zoloft 2 weeks ago, or if I am just forever doomed to suffer from out-of-the-blue bouts of paralyzing panic. The difference between this panic attack and the last one, is that I no longer have my Xanax crutch. I mean I have Xanax, in my bathroom and in my purse; I just absolutely cannot take it. It is a class D pregnancy drug, and though I am not officially pregnant, I may be. The chance that I am actually pregnant seems rather minuscule when all factors are taken into account but, I MAY BE, and I cannot take any chances.

The panic attack didn't last that long, thank goodness, but I am still quite jittery. I suspect that it is due, at least in part, to the meds., at least I hope so. I gave myself the HCG booster today and shortly after puncturing my semi-healed belly, I became jittery. This jitteriness was a nice addition to my astounding belly bloat, searing migraine, abdominal cramping, diarrhea, nausea, dizziness, gaseousness, and my poor sore boobies. Infertility treatment is such fun!

I must state that I am keenly aware that we are astoundingly lucky that our insurance covers infertility, ahem, fertility treatment. Our jobs pay shit (Iceman's job, I lost mine last spring), but our insurance is pretty good, even though it's an HMO, which means that we cannot choose the doctor we see. I digress, we are damn lucky. My mom is always telling me how lucky I am, and as far as our insurance covering infertility treatment, she's right.

I mentioned in a previous post that immediately after the IUI, I was exuberantly happy, and optimistically content. I wasn't even (that) mad at my mom anymore ( I will write about this in a later post). I never thought that a straw threaded through my cervix into my uterus could bring such joy. There are no words to express how happy I felt. You know how when you are on an awesome vacation and you just feel good? That's how I felt. This feeling of peace with the world lasted one day, then I crashed.

Asinine Suggestions, Irrelevant Anecdotes, and Smart Ass Responses

Asinine Suggestions, Irrelevant Anecdotes, and Smart Ass Comments

• "You're lucky, this treatment wasn't available 15 years ago." Yeah, I feel lucky punk; every time I stick that needle in my belly.

• "Stop trying." If we stop trying we will never have a baby. Where is the logic in that? What's your I.Q. anyway Einstein?

• "Have some wine." F*ck off, I don't even like wine. I like cigarettes!

• "Just think positive." I am thinking positive douche bag!

• "Just relax, then you'll get pregnant." Oh my G-d! That's all I have to do; why didn't my R.E. tell me, 'cuz These shots hurt!

• "Go on vacation." Okay, great! Who's paying? You see, Mike and are I woefully underpaid teachers. Also, After my laparosopy and second cystoscopy last year, I lost my job. Thanks FMLA, 12 years of dedicated service to children and all you guarantee me is a substitute position? Nice loophole.

• "I work with this lady and her daughter-in-law had to do shots for two years, plus she had to deal with kidney stones; twice! In fact she's in the hospital right now..." Wow, I guess I am lucky 'cuz I have only just started jabbing needles in my belly. If I have to go through this for another two years, will I have earned some sympathy? It's really comforting to know how much better off I am than your acquaintance's son's wife. By the way, how are her kids?

• "Have you considered donor eggs?" Uh, no, not yet; I just got this horrid diagnosis. I'd kinda like to try some aggressive treatment first, IF I can find an RE willing to work with a 37 year-old with a day 3 FSH level of 16.9. Hey, How's your kid doing?

• "You could always adopt." Yeah, I hear that's a really easy process. Thanks for the tip. By the way, next time can you give me a monetary tip 'cuz adoption is REALLY expensive and my insurance only covers infertility (at least for a while).

• "You know, you'll have to start doing handstands after sex." Thanks for the suggestion. And all this time I have been running right to the bathroom to pee after sex, letting all that man juice get away. Shit, I didn't realize! That must be it, (note to self). Listen douche bag, I have been keeping my pelvis elevated after sex since January 2006; January 20, 2006 to be exact

• Are you eating right? Nope, just Twinkies, sushi, and battery acid. Why, do you think this is my fault? If it is, then how come all of those crack and heroine addicts get knocked up?

• "My neighbor's, friend's sister-in-law knows someone who..." And this applies to me how?

• "Just be patient; it will happen. It just takes time." How do you know; are you psychic?

• "It's in G-d's hands." I don't believe in G-d, but you can.

Loving people trying innocently to help and just plain ignorants, I HAVE A MEDICAL CONDITION, that is why we are going through infertility. It's called a high FSH; my day 3 level is 16.9. LOOK IT UP! I would if you were going through this. Or, you could just actually read the multitude of links that I have sent to you. Other terms you may use to search for information are:

• Premature Ovarian Failure (POF)
• Diminished Ovarian Reserve (DOR)
• Early Menopause
• Peri Menopause
• Diminished Fertility
• How can I support and comfort my loved one while s/he is going through infertility?

This list will surely be updated, unless I am in jail for jabbing my Follistim pen into the eyes of some ignorant f*ckhead (with the needle attached , of course).