Caveat Emptor

I apologize in advance if I offend those of you to whom I am related or close friends. Writing this is my catharsis and has been keeping me (moderately) sane of late.

Friday, May 11, 2007

Welcome to the 35-44 Age Group

Today is Iceman's 35th birthday! I put this picture from his birthday last year because it is so damned cute! We went to his favorite sushi restaurant (eek!) and no, I did not eat any raw fish! I rarely do, I like fried stuff; he likes the raw stuff. I want you to know that my husband is a wonderful man and I am very lucky to have him. He loves me exactly as I am, flaws, failings, fears, fuck-ups and all, and for that I am eternally grateful. I am one lucky bitch.

I am supposedly 12 dpo/IUI and 14 dp HCG trigger; my IUI was Sunday, April, 29. We had our 'if we didn't conceive this cycle' consult on Tuesday and the decision was made that due to my "diagnosis" (translation-high FSH), we will move on to IVF-IF I am not pregnant. My doses will be increased in the hopes of getting more than one mature egg. I sure don't think a needle through the vaginal canal is worth it for one egg. Speaking of one egg, when I mentioned my most likely only having had one mature egg this cycle (300 Follistim for 7 days) to my RE, guess what he said..."It only takes one." Now, because he is an RE, I guess it's okay, but I did snicker a bit. When other people say that to me, I have this strange urge to head-butt them.

You know, I was really psyched that we could possibly find out if we were going to be parents on Iceman's birthday or Mother's Day, but today is too early for a reliable result and my RE doesn't do blood tests on the weekends (what the fuck kinda shit is that?). In hindsight or foresight or whatever sight, it is probably better this way. Last summer I got my period on my birthday and it SUCKED! Not only was I not pregnant, I felt like complete shit! The next month I got my period, then came home from my in-laws to find my beloved cat Washington, our first pet, dead on the counter with his head in a pool of blood from an apparent aneurysm.

I must tell you that I have been pissing on HPTs all fucking week; every day since Friday 5/4 and also on 4/29 and 5/2. The first time I POAS after the HCG shot was pretty cool 'cuz I had only seen positive pregnancy tests on the cover of the boxes in which they are sold. The real problem now is that by 5/4 the HCG trigger (I shot up w/ Ovidrel on 4/27) was nearly out of my system; the line on the HPT was super faint, but on 5/4 my RE had me do an HCG booster, so the damned things are still positive. My nurse told me to test 15 dpIUI (tomorrow), but how reliable will that be since the HCG is still showing up today? Also, if it is positive, I can't go in for the fuckin' beta until Monday. Again, it's probably best, but if I get my period on Mother's Day, I am sure that I will be wallowing in the irony of it.

Back to the if I didn't conceive consult. I asked my RE about him wanting me to go off Zoloft. I told him that the tech who takes my blood told me that HE told her to tell me that I must go off of it ASAP. His response was that he never tells his patients to just stop anti-depressants cold turkey like that. I told him that I didn't quite trust what she said, so when I came in for my next u/s and b/w, I asked her again and she sang the same exact tune. He said that he was going to talk to her because he never said anything like that. Now, I do not want her to get in any trouble because I like her; she treats me nicely and prints out all of my results for me, but I stopped Zoloft cold turkey because she told me to, and that is just not cool. I hope she doesn't start hurting me with that needle now when I come in for my b/w!

I also told him my feelings about the u/s tech who I have been unlucky enough to have had nearly every time I have gone in. She wields that ultrasound wand like a light saber, I kid you not! I mean shit, that hurts, especially on day 3. What bothered me more than her less than gentle probing of my nether region, and her cold, dismissive, uncaring demeanor, was what I feel was a major faux pas on her part.

On April 26 I went in for my u/s and b/w. The office called that afternoon to tell me that my RE wanted me to go an extra day on Follistim and Ganirelex to see if we could get my second largest follicle to mature before the trigger. The bigger follicle was 19.5mm and the second was 13mm. Okay, so I go in the next day and light saber tech measured one follicle at 19.5mm and the other at 13.5mm . I casually mention that I am surprised because I went an extra day on the meds in the hopes of some growth on the smaller follicle. She then remeasures the bigger follicle and says, "Oh, well when I take the average of the measurements, it's actually 21.5mm." First of all, why didn't you measure correctly the first time? Secondly, why am I telling you how to do your job? and third, why didn't you measure the smaller follicle again? This pissed me off and it didn't sink in until after I left the office. If I could have gone back, I would have asked to her to remeasure it, but shit, I am still a novice at this. Needless to say, I felt that I must tattle because this is a heart rending process without a cold bitch for a tech. and I need to be treated with a little more professionalism and TLC. I try to do unto others ya know what I mean?

My RE assured me that her diagnostic skills are top notch (he basically gave me her resume of experience and training), but that her people skills leave a lot to be desired. This made me feel better for two reasons, 1) he has confidence in her skills and 2) he knows she is a cold bitch. He said that he was glad that I told him all of this because he wants me to feel comfortable coming in to the office. I hope he means this because it is hard enough going in alone every other day to get poked in the crotch by a light saber, jabbed with a needle in my bruised and battered inner elbow, and then go home to jab myself in my swollen, mutilated abdomen with more needles.

Fertility/infertility treatment is such fun!

I am beginning to feel as though my period is coming. I hope I am wrong!

Below is our cat Squeaks (isn't she a stunner) in front of the balloon bouquet that I made for Iceman's birthday. Iceman named her; I wanted to name her Lupin because as a kitten she looked like a wolf, but now I get to name the maybe baby! Incidentally, he doesn't remember that we made that deal. Too bad; I win!

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