Caveat Emptor

I apologize in advance if I offend those of you to whom I am related or close friends. Writing this is my catharsis and has been keeping me (moderately) sane of late.

Saturday, May 5, 2007

Panic Attack

It's official, I had my first panic attack in quite awhile. The last time was about 10 months ago when I was in the back seat of my sister's transitional boyfriend's car. He was a crazy driver, so naturally I blame him. I had my trusty Xanax in my purse, so problem solved.

About an hour ago I was jolted from a sound sleep shaking with anxiety. I woke up Iceman, got out of bed, and paced around the bedroom like a caged animal. He asked what was wrong and as I fumbled to explain what was wrong, I realized that I could not find the words to describe what I was feeling. I took off my top, paced back and forth (that's bad naked for you Seinfeld fans), then got back into bed. Got out of bed again, put on a different top, then got back into bed. Got back out of bed and went to my trusty computer. No sense in needlessly worrying Iceman, especially because he wants what is best for me and if the fertility meds make me crazy, he will want me to stop taking them; I mean injecting them. I am starting to feel better! This blogging thing may be my new Xanax. Awesome!

I am not sure if this panic attack is partly due to the multitude of fertility meds. in my system, going off Zoloft 2 weeks ago, or if I am just forever doomed to suffer from out-of-the-blue bouts of paralyzing panic. The difference between this panic attack and the last one, is that I no longer have my Xanax crutch. I mean I have Xanax, in my bathroom and in my purse; I just absolutely cannot take it. It is a class D pregnancy drug, and though I am not officially pregnant, I may be. The chance that I am actually pregnant seems rather minuscule when all factors are taken into account but, I MAY BE, and I cannot take any chances.

The panic attack didn't last that long, thank goodness, but I am still quite jittery. I suspect that it is due, at least in part, to the meds., at least I hope so. I gave myself the HCG booster today and shortly after puncturing my semi-healed belly, I became jittery. This jitteriness was a nice addition to my astounding belly bloat, searing migraine, abdominal cramping, diarrhea, nausea, dizziness, gaseousness, and my poor sore boobies. Infertility treatment is such fun!

I must state that I am keenly aware that we are astoundingly lucky that our insurance covers infertility, ahem, fertility treatment. Our jobs pay shit (Iceman's job, I lost mine last spring), but our insurance is pretty good, even though it's an HMO, which means that we cannot choose the doctor we see. I digress, we are damn lucky. My mom is always telling me how lucky I am, and as far as our insurance covering infertility treatment, she's right.

I mentioned in a previous post that immediately after the IUI, I was exuberantly happy, and optimistically content. I wasn't even (that) mad at my mom anymore ( I will write about this in a later post). I never thought that a straw threaded through my cervix into my uterus could bring such joy. There are no words to express how happy I felt. You know how when you are on an awesome vacation and you just feel good? That's how I felt. This feeling of peace with the world lasted one day, then I crashed.

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