Caveat Emptor

I apologize in advance if I offend those of you to whom I am related or close friends. Writing this is my catharsis and has been keeping me (moderately) sane of late.

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Beta Times Two and Then Some!

I went for my second beta today and I was soooo scared that the numbers would fall short, but I was thrilled to hear that my...

beta was: 1112

and my

progesterone was: 28.9

My HCG is doubling every 1.56 days or 37.51 hours (I used online calculators to figure this out; math is not my strong suit). That seems really terrific, judging from the averages that I have seen on the Internet.

I am not sure why the progesterone level fell, but the doctor (the lady who takes my blood called me, not my doctor; it was a nice day to play golf) seemed unconcerned, so I will try to be as well. Our next appointment is on Tuesday, May 29th and it is for our first ultrasound (Yeah!!!). If all goes well at this appointment, then I will hopefully begin to relax (a teensy bit).

I am elated beyond words, but I have fears, fears that no one close to me wants to hear and to be frank, I don't blame them; I don't want to have these fears either. Understandably, we all (my husband, mom and sister) want to relish in the excitement, but I have these nagging fears regardless.

A high, doubling HCG number is great news, but it also could indicate a molar pregnancy and although they are relatively rare (about 1 in 1000 or 1 in 1500) I think about the possibility. By the way, I wouldn't even know what a molar pregnancy is, but I just read the book Waiting for Daisy and the author had a partial molar pregnancy. The more I read about molar pregnancies, the more I realize that I am just a nutcase; it is unlikely.

I also think about my dear friend who saw a heartbeat at six weeks, started spotting, and two days later the heartbeat was no more. Not long before that my same friend had a blighted ovum and lost that pregnancy too. It is hard not to let these thoughts seep into my consciousness and because I am a little nuts and I don't want to spoil the fun for other people, I have to give these fears voice somewhere.

I must go back to my elation. I am thrilled, but I am definitely still in shock. I never really thought this would work, especially with my dx, the chances of success given me by my RE, and the many failed IUI's of friends, acquaintances, and online buddies. My excitement is tempered by two online friends who were on the same journey with me day by day, but now have to endure yet another cycle of IF treatment. Another online friend received the news of a negative beta, and I know that there is nothing I can do or say to ease their pain. I feel so guilty and I want so much to still be online friends, but will they still want to talk with me? I really don't blame them if they pull back; I know how hard the disappointment of a failed cycle is. I just wish we all got positive, doubling betas and we could go through our first pregnancies together.

I offer no advice; my RE seemingly pulled a rabbit out of an empty hat and I am grateful beyond words, but saddened all the same for my special friends who are still waiting for their miracles. I will be here pulling for and waiting with you.


Jackie said...

Of course I will still be your friend, don't question it for a minute. We are all in this together, positives and negatives.
PS, I would love to meet you the next time I am in Chicago, whether it is for RFU or retail therapy. My SIL has a condo in Edgewater and I frequently visit her.
PPS, a big congrats on the high doubling beta. I'm sure you will be partly holding your breath until that U/S, I hope you are able to find a few minutes to enjoy yourself.
Thanks for thinking of me...

mommy2miracles said...

many, MANY congrats!!