Oh Nicky You're So Fine...

The tumor is benign!

They called last night with the good news. I was not expecting to hear anything until Monday or Tuesday, but Nicky kept her word.

Nicky was the person who first brought me back to the changing room, took me to the biopsy room and explained everything to me; she was with me through the entire procedure. I have to say that Nicky was one of the most awesome people that I have ever met. She was so genuine, sweet, and really took my mind off of the whole thing; that and the Xanax of course. She told me that a friend that she went to school with worked in the department to which my tissue would be sent and that she would put a rush on it through her friend. I believed her (kind of), but I did not think it would be possible as the turn around time was 2 business days, it was Thursday afternoon, and the radiologist said that I may not have the results until Tuesday. Nicky, you rock!

Nicky took me to the changing room, showed me where to change, and where to put my things. There were lockers and any locker with a key was mine for the choosing. There were many available lockers, but I chose locker B9, get it...B9=benign? The nurse told me that in four years not one other patient said that; must be the English teacher in me.

It turned out that Nicky and her husband were going in for a consultation with a fertility specialist. I cannot remember how this came up, but I hope that I was able to ease some of her fears with our awesome outcome. I wish only great things for her. I want her to be my real friend, not just my breast biopsy friend! I told her how I terrific I thought she was and she acted as though no patient had ever told her that before, which I cannot believe; she was that great.

I go back in two weeks and I will find out more then i.e, what type of tumor it is: cyst, fibroadenoma, lipoma, some other oma, or a pea sized dense no named thingy, but whatever it is, I have a six month reprieve. I kind of want it removed just in case, but I will see what the doctor says. You see, my maternal grandma died of breast cancer at 59, when I was just six months old and her mom died of breast cancer as well; she was in her 30's I believe, so to be honest, I am still not confident that it is nothing.

While the radiologist (not the one who found the mass) was doing the biopsy she kept saying that because the mass was so small (about the size of a pea), and my boobs were so dense (yeah!) she was having a hard time getting to it. This did not sit well with me. Frankly, I was not confident in her ability to get the sample, mostly because she did not seem confident. I'm no radiologist, so I guess she probably got it, but for someone who does this procedure routinely it was disconcerting that she seemed to be having trouble. The ultrasound tech who did the original ultrasounds on Monday had no problem finding the mass, she should have does this one too. Maybe it is harder to find when it is magnified so much more; who knows?

The radiologist said that with my family history, she may want to do an MRI regardless of the biopsy results, but when I mentioned this to the nurse who called with the results, she briefly consulted with the doctor, then told me that would not be necessary. I will ask about this again when I go back in two weeks.

I'm probably looking too much into it; I'll know more in two weeks but we are thrilled with the B9 result!!!

Benign Mass, Harmless Cyst, or Other?

I am home from work today because my little angel has the stomach flu with a pretty high fever. Jem is such a precious prince and thank goodness he is sleeping; getting the rest he needs.


So, last week (Monday, April 14, 2009 to be exact) I found a lump in my left breast. To me, it felt like the lump in the faux breast found in some doctor's offices, so that patients are able to get an idea of what a lump or mass in the breast may feel like. The lump in my breast felt like a pebble. The next day I went to see the physician's assistant at my doctor's office and was referred by her to the breast center. By the time I went to the breast center yesterday I could hardly find it and was not in the least bit nervous. In fact, I thought I was wasting my and my husband's time and that I had made a big deal out of nothing.


I began having mammograms in 2005, when I was 35. Usually women do not begin getting mammograms until they are 40, but because we have a family history of breast cancer it was best to get a baseline early. I feel that 40 is wayyyyyy too late in a women's life to get a baseline mammogram, but what do I know?

My first mammogram in 2005 was uneventful, though I could finally understand all of the mammogram jokes. If one were to faint while having a mammogram, he or she would be hanging from the machine by his or her tit; it is really fucking smashed in there! If you are claustrophobic, take a Xanax (or two)!

In 2006 I had my second mammogram and I was called by the hospital the following day because it was abnormal and they needed to do more tests. Fucking scared the shit out of me! They did ultrasounds and determined that whatever they saw were cysts. Great! I had my next mammogram in 2007 prior to beginning fertility treatment. All clear again. I did not have a mammogram in 2008 because I was breast feeding, which I have not done in about three months.

Yesterday, my husband went with me and as I said, I was unconcerned for the most part. The mammogram pictures were taken and I waited to move on to the ultrasound. The lady who did my mammogram came back and said that the radiologist want one or two more pictures. I was still pretty relaxed, though probably from the Xanax. I had not taken a Xanax since quite a while before I got pregnant, so one worked pretty quickly. She took two more pictures and I think she cracked a rib or two.

Next was the ultrasound. I had really been unable to locate the pebble I had felt the week before so when the ultrasound tech asked me to show her where it was, I doubted that I could find it. I began to feel a bit ashamed that I came for no reason...then I found it. She began moving the ultrasound around my now slightly saggier since pregnancy left breast and I told her that ultrasounds are much more fun when looking at your baby. She agreed, courteously laughed and continued ultrasounding.

Nothing on the screen looked like anything for awhile, and then I saw it. There was no mistaking that it was something other than normal breast tissue. she took many pictures, measurements and what I think may have been density measurements. I asked her questions like, "Is that the only one?" but she could not answer me. She said the radiologist would come in to talk with me. The radiologist came in and told me that we would have to do a biopsy. She was pretty matter-of-fact, which I guess she has to be.

I spoke to a surgeon, who was really great! He explained everything that was going to happen next and he was so patient. Mike was with me for this part; he was shaking and at times, it looked like he was holding back tears. Maybe I should have given him a Xanax? The nurse was also terrific and she and the surgeon did their jobs of calming people extraordinarily well. I have confidence in them.

I will be going back Thursday for an ultrasound guided Core Needle Biopsy. At the end of the procedure they will place a tiny piece of titanium in my breast at the biopsy site. This is done so that the surgeon can easily find the area biopsied, for future monitoring or in the event that a follow-up procedure is needed to remove more tissue. The surgeon drew four different pictures of breast masses. Two of the four shapes are nothing, one is bad, and one they just don't know; that is the shape of my mass. It is 12mm and for now, that is all I know....Oh, and that the lump that I found is nothing, probably a blocked milk duct; this was an incidental find.

Jem Squeals with Delight While Playing with Sugar 10-26-08

Barack Obama Is the President Elect; I Am Humbled and Awed

I am so heartened that Jem, my 9 month old son, will grow up in a world with the good sense to have elected Barack Obama the forty-fourth president of The United States of America. My cynicism has turned to optimism. A new day has dawned and I am excited and honored to be a part of this historic time.

Sadly, So F$%KING Sadly, I Stand Corrected

That is all that I have to say about that.

Cubs Clinch N.L. Central!!!

It is my belief that Jem is the key to reversing the Cubs curse. Jem was born on January 14, 2008, which makes his astrological sign a goat. Jem's middle name is Dov, which means bear; Jem is a baby and a baby bear is a...Cub. Dov is for Jem's great-grandpa Don, who was a die hard Cubs fan, as was his other great-grandpa Waller. A baby as awesome as Jem only comes along every 100 years; the last time the Cubs won a world series was...100 years ago. See how that works?

To Clip or Not to Clip

When Jem was an itty bitty baby I tried clipping his nails, but it did not turn out well. I clipped two nails and drew blood on BOTH fingers. I was horrified beyond words and never used nail clippers again. I have been filing Jem's nails ever since...until today! I clipped all ten nails and nary a drop of blood was shed. Yeah!!! A mommy milestone to be sure.

Have I mentioned how awesome my kid is???

Almost 8 Months, Two Teeth, Back at Work and Still Breastfeeding

Before Jem was born people would ask me if I was going to breastfeed and I would say that I was going to try and was planning to make it to 3 months. After Jem was born there were times that I did not think that I would make it to one month let alone three months. When I got to the three month mark I decided that it was important to breastfeed until Jem was six months. Now I am at nearly 8 months and I am so glad that I never gave up. It got much easier as time went on.

Sometimes breastfeeding is the only thing that comforts Jem when he is super tired and cannot fall asleep on his own. I will cherish this time for the rest of my life and I am honored that I alone can provide this for him. This is not to say that it is easy, especially now that I am back at work, but that makes it even more important. While Jem is at day care and I am at work it comforts me to know that he has my breast milk.

I would rather be with him, but he is really happy at day care. If he wasn't I would be living in a cardboard box under Lakeshore Drive because I would stay home with him regardless if I lost my house. It would have to be a pretty big cardboard box though because we would need enough space for the 5 kitties and doggie too.

Jem Rolled Over!

Picture from 5-20-08.




On Friday night June 6, 2008 at approximately 9:45 pm Jem rolled from his back to his front, then back to his back. My jaw hit the floor and I was speechless for some moments. I am so proud!



Then today at approximately 4:55 pm, Jem rolled over TWO more times from back to front! The first time he had some trouble getting his arm out from under his body, so mom helped a bit. The second time he did it himself. This tired him out soooooo much that he needed a snack and a nap.



The thing is, when my babe wants to do something and can't (getting his arm out from under him, putting, x, y, or z in his mouth, etc.) he gets SUPER frustrated. This is no passive child; he wants to do what he wants when he wants and if he can't, watch out! He gets this from his mother. I just hope he doesn't grow up and stomp off the field or take his ball and go home. I am not really worried about this, I know he will have tenacity; he already does!!



I cannot express how much I love Jem. There are simply no words....

Out for a Walk

Jem looking lovingly at his momma . He melts my heart with that smile!

(Picture taken at the start of our walk.)

The Mega Millions lottery is up to $100 million, so I decide to take my boys and my dog on a walk to buy the winning ticket. It was drizzling slightly, but the store is only a block and a half away, so off we go. After we get halfway there I notice a dark cloud above us, which I mention to Mike; he is unconcerned. After a few more steps I announce my growing concern about the possibility of a sudden downpour. Jem is a very fussy baby and the mere thought of getting stuck in the rain with him and my dog is enough to throw me into a panic. I mean, if I am holding Jem and I stop moving for a millisecond, he voices his discontent. He only tolerates his bath if he is not actually in the water, so I kind of thought we should not take any chances and turn back, but Mike seemed a little annoyed and we were already halfway there, so on we went.

I get my three lottery tickets (three because Jem is three months old) and we head home. Two steps out of the gas station and the drizzle turns to rain, then BOOM...torrential downpour. I am wearing flip flops, but I try my best to run. Mike is running with the stroller, and I am running with the dog. Jem is in his travel system, which has two canopy's, one on the infant seat and one on the stroller, so he should be totally protected, but there is no way to check because then he would definitely get soaked, so I try to get home ASAP without freaking out about how Jem is handling this.

We get in the house and Mike, Sugar, and I are completely soaked, with my heart seizing with panic, I check on Jem and he is not only totally dry, but happy as can be!

What an awesome memory!

First Real Bath, Finally

Jem finally had his first real bath today. I know, I am an awful parent; how could Jem's first bath be on his 2 month birthday? Well, for one, I am not nearly as good a parent as I thought I would be and second, when we went to give him a bath awhile ago, he screamed his head off and I just could not do it! We put him in one of those plastic tubs and he just looked so freakin' uncomfortable. His poor fragile head on this uncomfortable plastic; it just ripped my heart out. Honestly, that padding is a joke. Plus, he was so wobbly, I just could not do it.

Mike and I have been washing him periodically with these Johnson's wipes, but I have been riddled with guilt over not bathing my child the right way, you know, with water and soap, so today I did it! By myself, in the real bathtub with Jem in the Mother's Touch Large Comfort Bather, and it was okay. Jem was, of course, screaming, but I worked fast and at the end I think he kind liked it...though he probably would not admit this.

I hope that I am a better parent than I feel like I am. I really feel like a bad parent quite a bit. Jem hates tummy time, so he hardly does it. Am I hurting my child irreparably by being less of a parent than I should be? I hope he loves me! When he falls asleep during the day, I put him in his crib and I feel like I am not doing enough for him, like I should be bouncing him and holding him all day. I know he needs to sleep, but I just have this feeling of inadequacy a lot. I just have so much guilt and anxiety at times that I did not anticipate. I hope it is the hormone shift and that this will pass. My husband tells me that I am the most selfless person that he knows, but I do not feel like it. I feel so disorganized and I want to have better systems in place for us as a family. I feel so lazy sometimes, like I should do more, be less tired, be a better wife and mother.

Is Jem eating enough? Is Jem eating too much? Why does Jem "ask" to be fed, then arch his back and scream? Is is the gas? Is it reflux? Is it that my milk is bad? Is it the supplemental formula he gets occasionally? So many questions that I cannot answer? I just have to get more comfortable with not having answers and not being as perfect as I wish I were.

I just hope that Jem is happy now and always.

One Month Doctor Appointment

Weight: 10 lbs. 5 oz.

Length: 21 1/4

Head Circumference: 15 1/8

Temperature: 96.5 (He was naked. Mike asked if the temp was okay and the doc said yes.)

Jem Dancing (Then Crying)

We had Jem's one month appointment on Thursday, Feb. 21st. It was supposed to be on the 14th, but we were late and had to reschedule; the doctor was gone already (supposedly). The reason we were late, aside from trying to get myself and a newborn ready, was that a cab was stalled in the middle lane of the expressway.

Jem is a little one, in terms of percentages, which is fine with me as he doesn't like to be out of my arms for any length of time. He has been up all night and crying (screaming bloody murder) recently and if you saw me you would know this to be true as I am unshowered, have bags under my eyes, and my wrinkles are more pronounced than ever. I will spare you how many days of unshowered I am. Suffice it to say, it is more than one, but less than a baker's dozen.

Jem is hungry all of the time! My brother has two boys and he was shocked by how often our little guy wants to eat. He could be attached to my boob 24/7 and be happy. The doctor cautioned against overfeeding and told us how babies like to suck and are not necessarily hungry. Most of the time I can tell when he is hungry because he tries to eat his hand and moves his head like a turtle trying to find a breast. I started calling him a turtle in the hospital because of this and I think this nickname will stick!

I love my baby boy so much!

Be Careful What You Wish For

Our little prince will be one month old tomorrow. My how the time flies and how fat the baby gets! My little hungry hungry hippo eats 24/7!

One would think that delivering a 6 pound 10 ounce baby would be a veritable piece of cake, but he or she would be wrong in my case.

My labor started off just as I had hoped, with my water breaking. This made me happy because I did not want to sit around counting and timing contractions. I wanted to know when I was for sure in labor and that I could go straight to the hospital, which is exactly what we did!

The truth is that I was in "very early labor" starting the night of Wednesday January 9. We called the OB's office that night because I was having very painful contractions. Our doctor was not on call, but the doctor who was on call asked how far apart my contractions were and how long they lasted. I told her that so far this one had lasted about 45 minutes because as far as I could tell, I was in continuous pain; there was no start or stop. Well, she told us to come in. Long story short, after 3 or 4 hours they sent us home and I had contractions on and off until the 14th when my water broke at 4:20 am. The only relief from the pain was a bath, which I took 2 or 3 times each day. I also was taking multiple baths a day because I had PUPPS, which caused such horrendous itching that I thought I would lose my mind.

So, back to the 14th of January, My water has broken and we head to the hospital. I live in Chicago and my hospital is in the suburbs, which in January could translate into serious traffic problems. We got to the hospital in no time! By the time we get into a labor and delivery room I am 4 cm dilated. They ask if I plan to have an epidural...yes! When would I like it? As soon as I can have it! Well, I get my epidural in a matter of minutes. Wow, this is going GREAT!! They keep checking my progress and everything is textbook; a little help from pitocin and I continue to dilate beautifully. The doctors expect that we will have a baby by around 1:00 that afternoon. Cool!

Well, 1:00 comes and goes and so does 2:00, 3:00, 4:00, 5:00, and 6:00. I am stuck at 9 cm for at least 4 hours. My little babe starts having an irregular heartbeat, fast, then slow. On with the oxygen mask, and the internal heart monitor (screwed into my baby's little head), and the internal contraction monitor. My perfect labor has taken an alarming turn.

I have no more amniotic fluid and this is not okay. The doctor does an amniofusion to put some fluid back around the baby in the hopes to keep him safe and help me to dilate to 10 cm. This did not work and off to have a cesarean we went. My birth plan said that when in doubt as to my baby's health do a c-section! They did not waste time and for that I am so thankful.

Now, all through my pregnancy I had said that I would prefer a C-section to a vaginal delivery. I thought a C-section would be less painful and traumatic than a vaginal delivery. What an idiot I was! C-sections hurt, and they leave a scar to boot! I was so swollen afterward that I could not bend my legs at the knee or foot because my skin was so tight. I looked like Violet Beauregarde from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, minus the purple skin. Really, it wasn't that bad, but be careful what you wish for because it may just come true!!

I would do it all again in a heartbeat for my little miracle.

May You

MAY YOU

May you learn to touch joy
in each moment,
May you dance to your song
in each day.
May you find your own music
within you,
May you follow your heart
all the way.

May you learn through your
daily endeavors,
May you learn to feel
deeply with love.
May you grow to feel
conscience forever,
May you grow wonderfully
dear Jem Ruben Dov.

Poppa Waller
1 / 20 / 08

He's Here!

I love being in my daddy's arms.

Monday, January 14, 2008

7:06 PM

19 inches

6 lbs, 10 oz.

We are all home and doing well!

I miss this stage of J's life already and it has just begun; he is only 9 days old.

The love that I feel for J is indescribable; greater than words can fully express.

I hope to update again soon .

Our precious prince thanks you for visiting!

P.S. Happy 2nd birthday cousin R! I cannot wait to meet you!

32 Weeks

Most recent pictures taken Sunday, November 25, 2007 at my parent's house (32 Weeks).

I am no longer on strict bed rest, but I am to rest as much as possible. At least two hours with my feet up every morning, afternoon and evening. This does not include when I am (supposed to be) sleeping (am peeing instead). I must say this is an impossible task while working. I have been so nauseous and dizzy lately, usually simultaneously. Also, when I take a shower, I have contractions. Today, to avoid contractions in the shower, I did not shave my legs because I thought it was the bending over that caused the problem. I was wrong; I guess it is just the act of showering. Who knows? I do know that I have been feeling like shit more and more often. Every day that I act like a normal person (leave the house), I have to rest for two days to recover. I actually could not go to work today because I felt so awful: nauseous, crampy, and exhausted. After Thanksgiving (great day), I was in bed for two full days, which I hate. I love being energetic and getting things done and organized, etc., but I simply cannot do that right now.

Yesterday I had my 32 week check-up and as I was sitting in the waiting room I became dizzy and nauseous and scanned the room in a panic looking for a garbage can in which to vomit. I did not vomit (hate to!), but I knew that I should go straight home after the appointment and rest. I did not go straight home as I should have, I ran a couple of errands because I was already out and knew that I would probably not be out of the house except for work for a while. It was a stupid thing to do as I had horrid contractions while in TJ Maxx (you get the max for the minimum) and I could barely walk, even with the support of the shopping cart. I did get some damn cute things for my baby boy, but it was stupid, I know. Also, even some C cup bras are too small now! I did go home and straight to bed.

Premature Labor

We were scheduled to start our baby care class o0n Tuesday at the hospital where "Wilson" will be born. I had a horrible headache starting about 1:00 in the afternoon, but that is nothing new, so I eventually took two Tylenol and worked through the pain (staying late, as usual). Tylenol is pretty much a placebo as far as I am concerned, but I take it anyway when the headache is bad enough. At about 4:45 I started to feel a tightening in my lower abdomen. We just came home from work and without telling Iceman about the contractions, I crawled into bed until we had to leave for class. The tightening eased a bit while I was laying in my bed, but was still quite noticeable. When I got out of bed about 30-40 minutes later the cramping continued and each one lasted a while. I still did not tell Mike and he must be blind or just used to ignoring my presence because I was obviously in a lot of discomfort. I sucked it up, kept my mouth shut, got in the car, and decided that it was normal and not to overreact. I figured that I was just exhausted.

On the way, traffic was awful and the tightening continued. Mike thought that traffic was bad enough that we may have to reschedule our class. I told him to just head to the hospital. I figured it was better to be at the hospital instead of at home, just in case. Well I finally told him what I was feeling. Once at the hospital he kept asking me if the contracting was a problem. I kept telling him that I had no idea, I have never had a baby before. I wanted to just go to the class and see if after a few hours I would feel better; he wanted to go to the ER. We walked over there (Mike was adamant), but the place was jam packed and I refused to stay. I told him that I had paperwork to drop off at OB/GYN and that we should just go there. When we got in the elevator I pressed the floor of the baby care class instead of the OB/GYN because I really thought we should attend the class. Well, that did not sit well with Mike, so we went to the OB/GYN floor.

The first nurse we talked to was a total bitch, continually telling us that we should have called our doctor first. I tried to explain to this C U Next Tuesday that we would not have come to the hospital without calling our doctor, but that we had a class to attend and we were already here. She just would not let up; she was a very nasty women. She called my doctor, who just happened to be at the hospital. He told her to put me on the monitor and see what was happening. The contractions were 5 minutes apart.

Our doctor came by to see us; he is a great doctor. He told us that we did the right thing, which made me feel better. They gave me two bags of IV fluids and monitored me for about 4 hours. My doctor sent me home and put me on strict bed rest until tomorrow when we go see him at his office. My cervix was closed both times they checked and the tests for toxemia and preeclampsia came back aok! The resident who checked my cervix meant business. I tell ya, it felt like she was crawling in.

Yesterday I was still feeling contractions all day, but I feel better today. It seems to have relaxed a bit, now I just have a terrible headache. I just want this little guy to cook in there until he is good and ready to come out.

3 lbs. 14 oz. at 30 Weeks 1 Day

Yesterday we had our baby shower and it was terrific! My mom and my sister did a fantastic job and I love them more than words can say!

The picture above was taken yesterday after the shower and is of me and my adorable one month old niece, Willa. She is such an angel. Now somebody be a sweetie and help me up off of the floor, please!

Today we had our 30 week ultrasound and our boy weighs (approx.) 3 pounds 14 ounces! Baby Center dot com says by week 30 the baby is nearing 3 pounds and the book, Your Pregnancy Week by Week says the baby is about 3 pounds at this point. Now we all know that each baby and each pregnancy can vary a GREAT deal, but still, our baby boy is BIG (or it just seems that way to me)! Our doctor says we are looking at around an 8 pound baby. Yikes!! Epidural, here I come.

My belly measured 30 cm (awesome!) and the little guy is already head down. I would have bet all of the tea in China that he would have been head up because it feels like he is kicking me in the tush, but he must be punching. Mike thinks that's cool because then Wilson (baby's current nickname) will like to box like his daddy. Personally, I am hoping for baseball.

20 Weeks 3 Days

These pictures are from my 20 week appointment on September 5, 2007. Isn't he adorable?

He's looking right at us!

What a purrfect foot if I do say so myself. He really likes to use it to kick mommy all day long.

Opening and closing his mouth. So cool! He is one active little guy. I started feeling him move during the 17th week! I have already gained 23 pounds as of September 5th!

One Hell of a Storm in Chicago

This is the view from my front porch and trust me, pictures do not do the damage on my block justice. My husband and I watched my neighbor's tree go over from our bedroom window, then we grabbed our dog and the one cat that was upstairs and ran downstairs. I was sure our tree was going to fall on our house; it didn't, thank goodness.

Still on my front porch. This is not my car; mine is in the garage.

Still on my front porch. We live right by hwy 90/94 in Chicago and this is a billboard, which up until a little while ago, had an advertisement on it.

That is part of my neighbor's tree hanging precariously from a telephone line. My husband and our neighbor got it down.

Close up of my across the street neighbors tree. He is 85 years old and I was worried about him because he did not come outside after the storm. We knocked on his door for a quite some time, but he did not answer. I will check on him later to make sure that he is okay.

I do not think I have ever seen such bad weather in Chicago and I have lived here my entire life. The sound the storm made and the sight of the trees either bent over to the ground or toppled was surreal. At the time I thought it must be a tornado, but it was a microburst. The news said that another line of storms is coming through soon.

I cannot believe we did not lose power.