Vices, Vices, Everywhere and Not a Drop to Drink

I am sure that many of you who stumble across this blog will convulse in shock at my horribleness, but it is my blog and my reality, so if you are perfectly perfect, you should probably read elsewhere. Those of you that do not mind my honesty and admitted failings, please stay as I could use some friends. Having said that, I hope at least one person actually finds my blog.

The following represents the short list of my vices: coffee, cigarettes, Advil, Xanax, Zoloft, and an occasional Vicodin too (horrid migraines). These are not in order of preference, necessity, or regularity of indulgence, but I felt it necessary to mention them when discussing my less than herculean attempts to squelch said vices while trying to conceive. What does it matter for the moment anyway; my day 3 FSH is 16.9, I am 37, and my my pets don't complain...well, one does, but she is a cranky b*tch anyway-though I love her despite this fact.

I started this blog after becoming addicted to reading a blog that I stumbled upon. I have no idea how I got to the aforementioned blog as I have never read or written a blog in my life, but am so glad that I found it.

The blog is a little pregnant. I mention the title because it is not just a blog, it is a beautifully written novel in the form of a blog. I have found myself alternately spitting out coffee from laughter and crying from grief while reading it. It may be the injected hormones coursing through my body, but I don't think so; it really is an addictive read and I encourage you to check it out.

To give a few more props to the a little pregnant blog writer, I did not sleep one millisecond last night because I was riveted (and I am still only up to the 2/18/2004 entry) by her story, literary skills, and comic prowess. The not sleeping a wink thing was not so terrific an idea as I had my first ever IUI this morning. It sure will be great to let the multitude of puncture marks heal up on my tender belly, but I digress, I want my baby (though I hope for his/her sake that s/he does not have my nose, ahem, former nose).

I was so surprised today when just after the IUI, naked from the waist down, my feet still the stirrups, and my pelvis tilted slightly skyward, I nearly cried with joy at the prospect of my husband's sperm swimming up to my hard won egg and being allowed in. I was so freakin' happy, that it is almost scary. Happy like I just won the lottery happy.

I only had one good follicle and my RE was hoping for 2, but that 13mm just would not cooperate. "It only takes one..." I know, I know, but I have been told that TOO many f*cking times and my one may not be a good one and sadly, there may not be many good ones left. Please do not tell me to think positive, because I will puke up my coffee and Advil, with a Xanax chaser; AND, believe it or not-I am positive, just mildly realistic. Not about winning the lottery though, I am unrealistically convinced that one day, I will win.

I do feel incredibly lucky that I grew one big, beautiful, hopefully not degraded egg/follicle. It was 21mm 2 days before my IUI, though with all of my cramping I was sure I had an ostrich egg waiting to burst out of that follicle, but Ma neshtana (loosely translated from Hebrew meaning-Why should today be different from any other day), I always have horrid cramping.

Also, I did an HPT? Why the F*ck would I do that? Because 1) I wanted to see if that HCG shot that I shoved into my belly really worked, and 2) a positive pregnancy test looks f*ckin' awesome in my hand. Now, of course I am freaked beyond belief to find out how long this will stay in my system. How will I know if those beautiful twin lines are for real or just Memorex?

The easy answer is to wait to test until 15 days after my trigger like the nurse told me to do, but I simply cannot do that. For one thing I am obsessive about knowledge acquisition and I want to know the moment my baby blastocyst implants (hope, hope, pray, pray-wait, I'm an atheist). Also, 15 days makes that May 12th, which is the day after my husband's 35th birthday and news of our pregnancy would be an awesomely, fantastic birthday present.

In my quest to find out how long the HCG will it stay in my system, I searched the Internet. Do you know what I learned?? Millions of other pincushions are out there wanting that same answer. I guess I will have to accost my nurse tomorrow and demand an answer. Say it with me, "I will not test, I will not test"; f*ck it, I will just buy cheaper tests!

I made my husband take a video of my second Follistim injection. The best part (if there can really be a best part) is my husband's narration. I love that man! And he loves me too! (though at times I don't know why)