Pretty Kitties and a Chihuahua Too

Four Years Old; Four Year Check-Up

2012-01-19T12:12:00.002-06:00

Four year check-up stats:

Height: 40 inches, 50th %ile
Weight: 34 lbs. (with clothes on), 25th %ile

Our doctor says that is great!! Good news for mommy!

2011-07-28T00:33:00.001-05:00

Jemmy went pee pee on the potty FOUR times! Mommy is so proud! 7/27/2011

2011-06-17T23:44:00.001-05:00

Day 3 FSH: 20.9...

Infertility Myths - Pretty Kitties and a Chihuahua Too: Asinine Suggestions, Irrelevant Anecdotes, and Smart Ass Responses#links#links#links#links

2011-04-25T23:17:00.000-05:00

Pretty Kitties and a Chihuahua Too: Asinine Suggestions, Irrelevant Anecdotes, and Smart Ass Responses#links#links#links#links

Infertility Myths

2011-04-25T23:13:00.001-05:00

Pretty Kitties and a Chihuahua Too: Asinine Suggestions, Irrelevant Anecdotes, and Smart Ass Responses

Jemmys Third 3rd Birthday Card

2011-02-01T19:05:00.001-06:00

Classic Without Edge Birthday 5x7 folded card

Turn those cute photos into baby's 1^st birthday invitations.

View the entire collection of cards.

My Review of Champion Boxing Costume

2010-10-31T11:27:00.001-06:00

Originally submitted at One Step Ahead

Little champs have a blast in this knockout boxer's costume, with hooded, satin warm-up robe, shorts, stuffed boxing gloves, boot covers, and title belt. Imported. A One Step Ahead Exclusive! Personalize the robe for just $5 more! Complete options below. (Personalized items can't be returne...

Adorable, but name came off in wash

By Jemmy's Mommy from Chicago, IL on 10/31/2010

Pros: Cute, Lots of Fun

Cons: Poor Quality, Letters came off in wash

Best Uses: Just For Fun, Costume Party, Trick Or Treating

Describe Yourself: Adventurous, Trendy

LOVE the costume and it was a great price! Caveat emptor, ALL of the letters came off after ONE wash. I know that one letter was already peeled a tiny bit at the corner prior to washing, so personalize at your own risk. I just spoke with the company and they are going to credit me for the cost of the costume and give me a $5.00 coupon because tyhere are not more in my son;s size. Very good resolution from the company!

Before Washing (Super Cute)

Tags: Using Product, Before washing

(legalese)

Oh Nicky You're So Fine...

2009-04-25T10:51:00.008-05:00

The tumor is benign!

They called last night with the good news. I was not expecting to hear anything until Monday or Tuesday, but Nicky kept her word.

Nicky was the person who first brought me back to the changing room, took me to the biopsy room and explained everything to me; she was with me through the entire procedure. I have to say that Nicky was one of the most awesome people that I have ever met. She was so genuine, sweet, and really took my mind off of the whole thing; that and the Xanax of course. She told me that a friend that she went to school with worked in the department to which my tissue would be sent and that she would put a rush on it through her friend. I believed her (kind of), but I did not think it would be possible as the turn around time was 2 business days, it was Thursday afternoon, and the radiologist said that I may not have the results until Tuesday. Nicky, you rock!

Nicky took me to the changing room, showed me where to change, and where to put my things. There were lockers and any locker with a key was mine for the choosing. There were many available lockers, but I chose locker B9, get it...B9=benign? The nurse told me that in four years not one other patient said that; must be the English teacher in me.

It turned out that Nicky and her husband were going in for a consultation with a fertility specialist. I cannot remember how this came up, but I hope that I was able to ease some of her fears with our awesome outcome. I wish only great things for her. I want her to be my real friend, not just my breast biopsy friend! I told her how I terrific I thought she was and she acted as though no patient had ever told her that before, which I cannot believe; she was that great.

I go back in two weeks and I will find out more then i.e, what type of tumor it is: cyst, fibroadenoma, lipoma, some other oma, or a pea sized dense no named thingy, but whatever it is, I have a six month reprieve. I kind of want it removed just in case, but I will see what the doctor says. You see, my maternal grandma died of breast cancer at 59, when I was just six months old and her mom died of breast cancer as well; she was in her 30's I believe, so to be honest, I am still not confident that it is nothing.

While the radiologist (not the one who found the mass) was doing the biopsy she kept saying that because the mass was so small (about the size of a pea), and my boobs were so dense (yeah!) she was having a hard time getting to it. This did not sit well with me. Frankly, I was not confident in her ability to get the sample, mostly because she did not seem confident. I'm no radiologist, so I guess she probably got it, but for someone who does this procedure routinely it was disconcerting that she seemed to be having trouble. The ultrasound tech who did the original ultrasounds on Monday had no problem finding the mass, she should have does this one too. Maybe it is harder to find when it is magnified so much more; who knows?

The radiologist said that with my family history, she may want to do an MRI regardless of the biopsy results, but when I mentioned this to the nurse who called with the results, she briefly consulted with the doctor, then told me that would not be necessary. I will ask about this again when I go back in two weeks.

I'm probably looking too much into it; I'll know more in two weeks but we are thrilled with the B9 result!!!

Benign Mass, Harmless Cyst, or Other?

2009-04-21T11:01:00.011-05:00

I am home from work today because my little angel has the stomach flu with a pretty high fever. Jem is such a precious prince and thank goodness he is sleeping; getting the rest he needs.

So, last week (Monday, April 14, 2009 to be exact) I found a lump in my left breast. To me, it felt like the lump in the faux breast found in some doctor's offices, so that patients are able to get an idea of what a lump or mass in the breast may feel like. The lump in my breast felt like a pebble. The next day I went to see the physician's assistant at my doctor's office and was referred by her to the breast center. By the time I went to the breast center yesterday I could hardly find it and was not in the least bit nervous. In fact, I thought I was wasting my and my husband's time and that I had made a big deal out of nothing.

I began having mammograms in 2005, when I was 35. Usually women do not begin getting mammograms until they are 40, but because we have a family history of breast cancer it was best to get a baseline early. I feel that 40 is wayyyyyy too late in a women's life to get a baseline mammogram, but what do I know?

My first mammogram in 2005 was uneventful, though I could finally understand all of the mammogram jokes. If one were to faint while having a mammogram, he or she would be hanging from the machine by his or her tit; it is really fucking smashed in there! If you are claustrophobic, take a Xanax (or two)!

In 2006 I had my second mammogram and I was called by the hospital the following day because it was abnormal and they needed to do more tests. Fucking scared the shit out of me! They did ultrasounds and determined that whatever they saw were cysts. Great! I had my next mammogram in 2007 prior to beginning fertility treatment. All clear again. I did not have a mammogram in 2008 because I was breast feeding, which I have not done in about three months.

Yesterday, my husband went with me and as I said, I was unconcerned for the most part. The mammogram pictures were taken and I waited to move on to the ultrasound. The lady who did my mammogram came back and said that the radiologist want one or two more pictures. I was still pretty relaxed, though probably from the Xanax. I had not taken a Xanax since quite a while before I got pregnant, so one worked pretty quickly. She took two more pictures and I think she cracked a rib or two.

Next was the ultrasound. I had really been unable to locate the pebble I had felt the week before so when the ultrasound tech asked me to show her where it was, I doubted that I could find it. I began to feel a bit ashamed that I came for no reason...then I found it. She began moving the ultrasound around my now slightly saggier since pregnancy left breast and I told her that ultrasounds are much more fun when looking at your baby. She agreed, courteously laughed and continued ultrasounding.

Nothing on the screen looked like anything for awhile, and then I saw it. There was no mistaking that it was something other than normal breast tissue. she took many pictures, measurements and what I think may have been density measurements. I asked her questions like, "Is that the only one?" but she could not answer me. She said the radiologist would come in to talk with me. The radiologist came in and told me that we would have to do a biopsy. She was pretty matter-of-fact, which I guess she has to be.

I spoke to a surgeon, who was really great! He explained everything that was going to happen next and he was so patient. Mike was with me for this part; he was shaking and at times, it looked like he was holding back tears. Maybe I should have given him a Xanax? The nurse was also terrific and she and the surgeon did their jobs of calming people extraordinarily well. I have confidence in them.

I will be going back Thursday for an ultrasound guided Core Needle Biopsy. At the end of the procedure they will place a tiny piece of titanium in my breast at the biopsy site. This is done so that the surgeon can easily find the area biopsied, for future monitoring or in the event that a follow-up procedure is needed to remove more tissue. The surgeon drew four different pictures of breast masses. Two of the four shapes are nothing, one is bad, and one they just don't know; that is the shape of my mass. It is 12mm and for now, that is all I know....Oh, and that the lump that I found is nothing, probably a blocked milk duct; this was an incidental find.

Jem Squeals with Delight While Playing with Sugar 10-26-08

2008-11-09T17:44:00.001-06:00

Barack Obama Is the President Elect; I Am Humbled and Awed

2008-11-04T22:54:00.007-06:00

I am so heartened that Jem, my 9 month old son, will grow up in a world with the good sense to have elected Barack Obama the forty-fourth president of The United States of America. My cynicism has turned to optimism. A new day has dawned and I am excited and honored to be a part of this historic time.

Sadly, So F$%KING Sadly, I Stand Corrected

2008-10-05T00:16:00.004-05:00

That is all that I have to say about that.

Cubs Clinch N.L. Central!!!

2008-09-20T23:50:00.008-05:00

It is my belief that Jem is the key to reversing the Cubs curse. Jem was born on January 14, 2008, which makes his astrological sign a goat. Jem's middle name is Dov, which means bear; Jem is a baby and a baby bear is a...Cub. Dov is for Jem's great-grandpa Don, who was a die hard Cubs fan, as was his other great-grandpa Waller. A baby as awesome as Jem only comes along every 100 years; the last time the Cubs won a world series was...100 years ago. See how that works?

To Clip or Not to Clip

2008-09-09T01:12:00.008-05:00

When Jem was an itty bitty baby I tried clipping his nails, but it did not turn out well. I clipped two nails and drew blood on BOTH fingers. I was horrified beyond words and never used nail clippers again. I have been filing Jem's nails ever since...until today! I clipped all ten nails and nary a drop of blood was shed. Yeah!!! A mommy milestone to be sure.

Have I mentioned how awesome my kid is???

Almost 8 Months, Two Teeth, Back at Work and Still Breastfeeding

2008-09-07T00:17:00.007-05:00

Before Jem was born people would ask me if I was going to breastfeed and I would say that I was going to try and was planning to make it to 3 months. After Jem was born there were times that I did not think that I would make it to one month let alone three months. When I got to the three month mark I decided that it was important to breastfeed until Jem was six months. Now I am at nearly 8 months and I am so glad that I never gave up. It got much easier as time went on.

Sometimes breastfeeding is the only thing that comforts Jem when he is super tired and cannot fall asleep on his own. I will cherish this time for the rest of my life and I am honored that I alone can provide this for him. This is not to say that it is easy, especially now that I am back at work, but that makes it even more important. While Jem is at day care and I am at work it comforts me to know that he has my breast milk.

I would rather be with him, but he is really happy at day care. If he wasn't I would be living in a cardboard box under Lakeshore Drive because I would stay home with him regardless if I lost my house. It would have to be a pretty big cardboard box though because we would need enough space for the 5 kitties and doggie too.

Jem Rolled Over!

2008-06-08T18:12:00.003-05:00

Picture from 5-20-08.

On Friday night June 6, 2008 at approximately 9:45 pm Jem rolled from his back to his front, then back to his back. My jaw hit the floor and I was speechless for some moments. I am so proud!

Then today at approximately 4:55 pm, Jem rolled over TWO more times from back to front! The first time he had some trouble getting his arm out from under his body, so mom helped a bit. The second time he did it himself. This tired him out soooooo much that he needed a snack and a nap.

The thing is, when my babe wants to do something and can't (getting his arm out from under him, putting, x, y, or z in his mouth, etc.) he gets SUPER frustrated. This is no passive child; he wants to do what he wants when he wants and if he can't, watch out! He gets this from his mother. I just hope he doesn't grow up and stomp off the field or take his ball and go home. I am not really worried about this, I know he will have tenacity; he already does!!

I cannot express how much I love Jem. There are simply no words....

Out for a Walk

2008-05-03T03:02:00.004-05:00

Jem looking lovingly at his momma . He melts my heart with that smile!

(Picture taken at the start of our walk.)

The Mega Millions lottery is up to $100 million, so I decide to take my boys and my dog on a walk to buy the winning ticket. It was drizzling slightly, but the store is only a block and a half away, so off we go. After we get halfway there I notice a dark cloud above us, which I mention to Mike; he is unconcerned. After a few more steps I announce my growing concern about the possibility of a sudden downpour. Jem is a very fussy baby and the mere thought of getting stuck in the rain with him and my dog is enough to throw me into a panic. I mean, if I am holding Jem and I stop moving for a millisecond, he voices his discontent. He only tolerates his bath if he is not actually in the water, so I kind of thought we should not take any chances and turn back, but Mike seemed a little annoyed and we were already halfway there, so on we went.

I get my three lottery tickets (three because Jem is three months old) and we head home. Two steps out of the gas station and the drizzle turns to rain, then BOOM...torrential downpour. I am wearing flip flops, but I try my best to run. Mike is running with the stroller, and I am running with the dog. Jem is in his travel system, which has two canopy's, one on the infant seat and one on the stroller, so he should be totally protected, but there is no way to check because then he would definitely get soaked, so I try to get home ASAP without freaking out about how Jem is handling this.

We get in the house and Mike, Sugar, and I are completely soaked, with my heart seizing with panic, I check on Jem and he is not only totally dry, but happy as can be!

What an awesome memory!

First Real Bath, Finally

2008-03-14T10:27:00.005-06:00

Jem finally had his first real bath today. I know, I am an awful parent; how could Jem's first bath be on his 2 month birthday? Well, for one, I am not nearly as good a parent as I thought I would be and second, when we went to give him a bath awhile ago, he screamed his head off and I just could not do it! We put him in one of those plastic tubs and he just looked so freakin' uncomfortable. His poor fragile head on this uncomfortable plastic; it just ripped my heart out. Honestly, that padding is a joke. Plus, he was so wobbly, I just could not do it.

Mike and I have been washing him periodically with these Johnson's wipes, but I have been riddled with guilt over not bathing my child the right way, you know, with water and soap, so today I did it! By myself, in the real bathtub with Jem in the Mother's Touch Large Comfort Bather, and it was okay. Jem was, of course, screaming, but I worked fast and at the end I think he kind liked it...though he probably would not admit this.

I hope that I am a better parent than I feel like I am. I really feel like a bad parent quite a bit. Jem hates tummy time, so he hardly does it. Am I hurting my child irreparably by being less of a parent than I should be? I hope he loves me! When he falls asleep during the day, I put him in his crib and I feel like I am not doing enough for him, like I should be bouncing him and holding him all day. I know he needs to sleep, but I just have this feeling of inadequacy a lot. I just have so much guilt and anxiety at times that I did not anticipate. I hope it is the hormone shift and that this will pass. My husband tells me that I am the most selfless person that he knows, but I do not feel like it. I feel so disorganized and I want to have better systems in place for us as a family. I feel so lazy sometimes, like I should do more, be less tired, be a better wife and mother.

Is Jem eating enough? Is Jem eating too much? Why does Jem "ask" to be fed, then arch his back and scream? Is is the gas? Is it reflux? Is it that my milk is bad? Is it the supplemental formula he gets occasionally? So many questions that I cannot answer? I just have to get more comfortable with not having answers and not being as perfect as I wish I were.

I just hope that Jem is happy now and always.

One Month Doctor Appointment

2008-02-24T18:31:00.007-06:00

Weight: 10 lbs. 5 oz.

Length: 21 1/4

Head Circumference: 15 1/8

Temperature: 96.5 (He was naked. Mike asked if the temp was okay and the doc said yes.)

Jem Dancing (Then Crying)

We had Jem's one month appointment on Thursday, Feb. 21st. It was supposed to be on the 14th, but we were late and had to reschedule; the doctor was gone already (supposedly). The reason we were late, aside from trying to get myself and a newborn ready, was that a cab was stalled in the middle lane of the expressway.

Jem is a little one, in terms of percentages, which is fine with me as he doesn't like to be out of my arms for any length of time. He has been up all night and crying (screaming bloody murder) recently and if you saw me you would know this to be true as I am unshowered, have bags under my eyes, and my wrinkles are more pronounced than ever. I will spare you how many days of unshowered I am. Suffice it to say, it is more than one, but less than a baker's dozen.

Jem is hungry all of the time! My brother has two boys and he was shocked by how often our little guy wants to eat. He could be attached to my boob 24/7 and be happy. The doctor cautioned against overfeeding and told us how babies like to suck and are not necessarily hungry. Most of the time I can tell when he is hungry because he tries to eat his hand and moves his head like a turtle trying to find a breast. I started calling him a turtle in the hospital because of this and I think this nickname will stick!

I love my baby boy so much!

Be Careful What You Wish For

2008-02-13T19:20:00.004-06:00

Our little prince will be one month old tomorrow. My how the time flies and how fat the baby gets! My little hungry hungry hippo eats 24/7!

One would think that delivering a 6 pound 10 ounce baby would be a veritable piece of cake, but he or she would be wrong in my case.

My labor started off just as I had hoped, with my water breaking. This made me happy because I did not want to sit around counting and timing contractions. I wanted to know when I was for sure in labor and that I could go straight to the hospital, which is exactly what we did!

The truth is that I was in "very early labor" starting the night of Wednesday January 9. We called the OB's office that night because I was having very painful contractions. Our doctor was not on call, but the doctor who was on call asked how far apart my contractions were and how long they lasted. I told her that so far this one had lasted about 45 minutes because as far as I could tell, I was in continuous pain; there was no start or stop. Well, she told us to come in. Long story short, after 3 or 4 hours they sent us home and I had contractions on and off until the 14th when my water broke at 4:20 am. The only relief from the pain was a bath, which I took 2 or 3 times each day. I also was taking multiple baths a day because I had PUPPS, which caused such horrendous itching that I thought I would lose my mind.

So, back to the 14th of January, My water has broken and we head to the hospital. I live in Chicago and my hospital is in the suburbs, which in January could translate into serious traffic problems. We got to the hospital in no time! By the time we get into a labor and delivery room I am 4 cm dilated. They ask if I plan to have an epidural...yes! When would I like it? As soon as I can have it! Well, I get my epidural in a matter of minutes. Wow, this is going GREAT!! They keep checking my progress and everything is textbook; a little help from pitocin and I continue to dilate beautifully. The doctors expect that we will have a baby by around 1:00 that afternoon. Cool!

Well, 1:00 comes and goes and so does 2:00, 3:00, 4:00, 5:00, and 6:00. I am stuck at 9 cm for at least 4 hours. My little babe starts having an irregular heartbeat, fast, then slow. On with the oxygen mask, and the internal heart monitor (screwed into my baby's little head), and the internal contraction monitor. My perfect labor has taken an alarming turn.

I have no more amniotic fluid and this is not okay. The doctor does an amniofusion to put some fluid back around the baby in the hopes to keep him safe and help me to dilate to 10 cm. This did not work and off to have a cesarean we went. My birth plan said that when in doubt as to my baby's health do a c-section! They did not waste time and for that I am so thankful.

Now, all through my pregnancy I had said that I would prefer a C-section to a vaginal delivery. I thought a C-section would be less painful and traumatic than a vaginal delivery. What an idiot I was! C-sections hurt, and they leave a scar to boot! I was so swollen afterward that I could not bend my legs at the knee or foot because my skin was so tight. I looked like Violet Beauregarde from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, minus the purple skin. Really, it wasn't that bad, but be careful what you wish for because it may just come true!!

I would do it all again in a heartbeat for my little miracle.

May You

2008-01-29T19:21:00.000-06:00

MAY YOU

May you learn to touch joy
in each moment,
May you dance to your song
in each day.
May you find your own music
within you,
May you follow your heart
all the way.

May you learn through your
daily endeavors,
May you learn to feel
deeply with love.
May you grow to feel
conscience forever,
May you grow wonderfully
dear Jem Ruben Dov.

Poppa Waller
1 / 20 / 08

He's Here!

2008-01-23T18:38:00.000-06:00

I love being in my daddy's arms.

Monday, January 14, 2008

7:06 PM

19 inches

6 lbs, 10 oz.

We are all home and doing well!

I miss this stage of J's life already and it has just begun; he is only 9 days old.

The love that I feel for J is indescribable; greater than words can fully express.

I hope to update again soon .

Our precious prince thanks you for visiting!

P.S. Happy 2nd birthday cousin R! I cannot wait to meet you!

32 Weeks

2007-11-27T22:50:00.000-06:00

Most recent pictures taken Sunday, November 25, 2007 at my parent's house (32 Weeks).

I am no longer on strict bed rest, but I am to rest as much as possible. At least two hours with my feet up every morning, afternoon and evening. This does not include when I am (supposed to be) sleeping (am peeing instead). I must say this is an impossible task while working. I have been so nauseous and dizzy lately, usually simultaneously. Also, when I take a shower, I have contractions. Today, to avoid contractions in the shower, I did not shave my legs because I thought it was the bending over that caused the problem. I was wrong; I guess it is just the act of showering. Who knows? I do know that I have been feeling like shit more and more often. Every day that I act like a normal person (leave the house), I have to rest for two days to recover. I actually could not go to work today because I felt so awful: nauseous, crampy, and exhausted. After Thanksgiving (great day), I was in bed for two full days, which I hate. I love being energetic and getting things done and organized, etc., but I simply cannot do that right now.

Yesterday I had my 32 week check-up and as I was sitting in the waiting room I became dizzy and nauseous and scanned the room in a panic looking for a garbage can in which to vomit. I did not vomit (hate to!), but I knew that I should go straight home after the appointment and rest. I did not go straight home as I should have, I ran a couple of errands because I was already out and knew that I would probably not be out of the house except for work for a while. It was a stupid thing to do as I had horrid contractions while in TJ Maxx (you get the max for the minimum) and I could barely walk, even with the support of the shopping cart. I did get some damn cute things for my baby boy, but it was stupid, I know. Also, even some C cup bras are too small now! I did go home and straight to bed.

Premature Labor

2007-11-15T13:14:00.000-06:00

We were scheduled to start our baby care class o0n Tuesday at the hospital where "Wilson" will be born. I had a horrible headache starting about 1:00 in the afternoon, but that is nothing new, so I eventually took two Tylenol and worked through the pain (staying late, as usual). Tylenol is pretty much a placebo as far as I am concerned, but I take it anyway when the headache is bad enough. At about 4:45 I started to feel a tightening in my lower abdomen. We just came home from work and without telling Iceman about the contractions, I crawled into bed until we had to leave for class. The tightening eased a bit while I was laying in my bed, but was still quite noticeable. When I got out of bed about 30-40 minutes later the cramping continued and each one lasted a while. I still did not tell Mike and he must be blind or just used to ignoring my presence because I was obviously in a lot of discomfort. I sucked it up, kept my mouth shut, got in the car, and decided that it was normal and not to overreact. I figured that I was just exhausted.

On the way, traffic was awful and the tightening continued. Mike thought that traffic was bad enough that we may have to reschedule our class. I told him to just head to the hospital. I figured it was better to be at the hospital instead of at home, just in case. Well I finally told him what I was feeling. Once at the hospital he kept asking me if the contracting was a problem. I kept telling him that I had no idea, I have never had a baby before. I wanted to just go to the class and see if after a few hours I would feel better; he wanted to go to the ER. We walked over there (Mike was adamant), but the place was jam packed and I refused to stay. I told him that I had paperwork to drop off at OB/GYN and that we should just go there. When we got in the elevator I pressed the floor of the baby care class instead of the OB/GYN because I really thought we should attend the class. Well, that did not sit well with Mike, so we went to the OB/GYN floor.

The first nurse we talked to was a total bitch, continually telling us that we should have called our doctor first. I tried to explain to this C U Next Tuesday that we would not have come to the hospital without calling our doctor, but that we had a class to attend and we were already here. She just would not let up; she was a very nasty women. She called my doctor, who just happened to be at the hospital. He told her to put me on the monitor and see what was happening. The contractions were 5 minutes apart.

Our doctor came by to see us; he is a great doctor. He told us that we did the right thing, which made me feel better. They gave me two bags of IV fluids and monitored me for about 4 hours. My doctor sent me home and put me on strict bed rest until tomorrow when we go see him at his office. My cervix was closed both times they checked and the tests for toxemia and preeclampsia came back aok! The resident who checked my cervix meant business. I tell ya, it felt like she was crawling in.

Yesterday I was still feeling contractions all day, but I feel better today. It seems to have relaxed a bit, now I just have a terrible headache. I just want this little guy to cook in there until he is good and ready to come out.

3 lbs. 14 oz. at 30 Weeks 1 Day

2007-11-12T22:24:00.001-06:00

Yesterday we had our baby shower and it was terrific! My mom and my sister did a fantastic job and I love them more than words can say!

The picture above was taken yesterday after the shower and is of me and my adorable one month old niece, Willa. She is such an angel. Now somebody be a sweetie and help me up off of the floor, please!

Today we had our 30 week ultrasound and our boy weighs (approx.) 3 pounds 14 ounces! Baby Center dot com says by week 30 the baby is nearing 3 pounds and the book, Your Pregnancy Week by Week says the baby is about 3 pounds at this point. Now we all know that each baby and each pregnancy can vary a GREAT deal, but still, our baby boy is BIG (or it just seems that way to me)! Our doctor says we are looking at around an 8 pound baby. Yikes!! Epidural, here I come.

My belly measured 30 cm (awesome!) and the little guy is already head down. I would have bet all of the tea in China that he would have been head up because it feels like he is kicking me in the tush, but he must be punching. Mike thinks that's cool because then Wilson (baby's current nickname) will like to box like his daddy. Personally, I am hoping for baseball.

20 Weeks 3 Days

2007-09-18T00:16:00.000-05:00

These pictures are from my 20 week appointment on September 5, 2007. Isn't he adorable?

He's looking right at us!

What a purrfect foot if I do say so myself. He really likes to use it to kick mommy all day long.

Opening and closing his mouth. So cool! He is one active little guy. I started feeling him move during the 17th week! I have already gained 23 pounds as of September 5th!

One Hell of a Storm in Chicago

2007-08-23T16:45:00.000-05:00

This is the view from my front porch and trust me, pictures do not do the damage on my block justice. My husband and I watched my neighbor's tree go over from our bedroom window, then we grabbed our dog and the one cat that was upstairs and ran downstairs. I was sure our tree was going to fall on our house; it didn't, thank goodness.

Still on my front porch. This is not my car; mine is in the garage.

Still on my front porch. We live right by hwy 90/94 in Chicago and this is a billboard, which up until a little while ago, had an advertisement on it.

That is part of my neighbor's tree hanging precariously from a telephone line. My husband and our neighbor got it down.

Close up of my across the street neighbors tree. He is 85 years old and I was worried about him because he did not come outside after the storm. We knocked on his door for a quite some time, but he did not answer. I will check on him later to make sure that he is okay.

I do not think I have ever seen such bad weather in Chicago and I have lived here my entire life. The sound the storm made and the sight of the trees either bent over to the ground or toppled was surreal. At the time I thought it must be a tornado, but it was a microburst. The news said that another line of storms is coming through soon.

I cannot believe we did not lose power.

46 XY

2007-08-09T10:41:00.000-05:00

16 Weeks 3 Days (yesterday)
Heartbeat 150

The tests all came back normal! We are having a boy!

I must admit, I was shocked when our OB said that we were having a boy. This is because almost everyone we are close with and see regularly was certain, absolutely certain that we were having a girl. When I called my mom and told her we knew the gender she said, "It's a girl!" I was like, "Uh...no it's not..." When I called my sister she said, "Is it a girl?" I mean my whole family was sure we were having a girl from the moment of conception. I could tell that my sister was thrilled that we were having a boy, simply thrilled. My mom was just thrilled to know everything was okay; she couldn't care less about the gender. She was so sure we were having a girl, she bought girl stuff already. Now, that is silliness; I didn't even do that, and I saw some cute shit.

I have to say, when we had our first trimester screening ultrasound, I looked at the monitor at our jumping baby and thought, "That is a boy." To me, he looked like a boy even then. I never told anyone this feeling and since then I became convinced that we were having a girl. It is so perfect that we are having a boy because I intended to have an animals and palm trees theme regardless of the gender. I am just not all that into pink, unless it's really bright and bold. I just love the Fisher Price Rainforest collection! I registered for it months ago!!!

I am already thinking about the circumcision. Poor baby.

I sure hope it's true that little boys love their mommies!!

Baby Bump 15 Weeks 6 Days

2007-08-07T00:39:00.000-05:00

This is a picture of me, Iceman, my sister, and my Dad; my mom took the picture. It was taken on Saturday, August 4, 2007 when we were celebrating my dad's 63rd birthday. His birthday is actually 8/6 and we just got back from having dinner and birthday cake at my parent's house. My dad is one lucky duckie to celebrate his birthday twice! I feel one should stretch out his or her birthday celebration as long as possible!

We played Yahtzee and I lost 3 of 4 games. Boo hoo. Iceman beat me twice and my mom beat me once. I love playing Yahtzee, but I am getting a little tired of losing. Iceman and I played 6 or 7 games on my birthday, and he won all of them but one!!!

My mom has really taken to rubbing my belly, which is cute and does not bother me, but she has come super duper close to feeling me up on more than one occasion. I mentioned this to her, but she does not care; she is so thrilled about this baby!

I have not heard from the genetic counselor yet. Come on Mr. Uncooked Noodle; we are waiting!!!

Ten Days Since Amniocentesis

2007-08-05T22:34:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was 10 days since the amnio, which is significant in that the doctor who performed the test told us that it would take 10 days to get the results. Of course, I did not ask whether that meant 10 business days, nor did I expect to get the results on a Saturday. The thing is, I want to know already or at least know when I will know.

It will be 10 business days since the amnio as well as my next appointment with our OB this coming Wednesday, August 8, 2007. I am hoping that we will have the results before our next appointment, that way we can discuss the results with our OB.

I Finally Got My Pool!

2007-08-01T19:14:00.000-05:00

I have been wanting a pool since we bought our house in March of 2005 and I finally have it! As you can see, I did not even wait until the pool was filled, nor did I waste time by putting on a bathing suit. It has been so damn hot and humid in Chicago, this pool went from a want to a need PDQ (pretty damn quick).

I have always been a summer lover and sun worshiper, but lately I cannot handle the heat coupled with the oppressive humidity. It is my wish to one day have an in-ground pool, but in the city, it is nearly impossible to get a permit for an in-ground pool. Because of this we will most likely be suburbanites (eventually), but for now this pool will do the job just fine!

That picture is me with 17-19 more pounds than usual! Ahhhh, the joys of pregnancy. The book, Your Pregnancy Week by Week says that I should have gained 5 pounds at this point in my pregnancy. Ummm, yeah.... fuck off!!

Amniocentesis and the Unquenchable Thirst

2007-07-30T19:33:00.000-05:00

14 weeks 3 days
Heartbeat after amnio: 189bpm

We had the amnio on Wednesday, July 25, 2007, one day after my 38th birthday. I had read all about the amniocentesis procedure, so I thought that I was as ready as I could be. What I mean by that is, I assumed that there would be some kind of anesthesia involved, at least a topical numbing of some sort. Well, you know what "they" say about assuming (it makes an ass out of u and me); there was NO anesthesia of any kind! Surprisingly, it did not hurt and I am a big, fat baby when it comes to pain, so trust me when I say that there was no pain during the amnio at all. I had significant cramping for 3 days after the procedure, which scared the shit out of me, but no pain during.

I have to say that the Dr. who performed the amnio is terrific! He is the same Dr. that measured our baby's nuchal fold and to me, he is a rock star! If he can stick that barbecue skewer through my abdomen and into my uterus, suck out the requisite amount of amniotic fluid, and pull that skewer out again without a touch of pain, then he is one heck of a Dr. in my book!!

I spent the 30 to 60 seconds that the skewer was in my uterus staring at the ultrasound machine horrified at the thought of watching our babe making a sudden jump into the needle. s/he didn't, s/he stayed as far away from that needle as space would allow! Now I hate to brag, but we have got one smart kid in there!!!

We should know the results a week from today and of course the gender too, which is sooo freakin' exciting. Now everyone close to us thinks we are having a girl, including my father-in law. It will be so great to know for sure.

The day of the amnio, I felt like total shit all day, even before we went in. I was so nauseous that I sat in the waiting room with a Target bag at the ready. What happened to feeling better during the second trimester? So far, I have felt worse! I felt awful for days after the procedure too. I honestly did not feel better until yesterday. I was just so tired, crampy, and I had a constant headache (probably weather related as it was rainy).

After finally feeling better yesterday, I awoke today with the worst migraine I have had in years. I was actually scared something was wrong with the baby or the pregnancy. I was dizzy, had blurred vision, and could barely pick up my head. We called the OB's office and the dr. on call told Iceman that I could take Vicodin. Thank G-d because Tylenol is like eating 2 M & M's to relieve pain; it just does not work for me. Vicodin did not work well when I got migraines regularly, but it helped this time because I have not taken it in so long. When Iceman told the Dr. that I was scared something might be wrong, she said, "Well then go to the emergency room." I am glad she is not my OB! How about ask why I feel that way or inquire as to my symptoms or something. Anyway, Iceman was right, I do feel better.

I must mention that I have an unquenchable thirst that words cannot adequately describe. If I drank all of the water in the picture above this entry, it wouldn't even make a dent in my thirst. The more I drink the thirstier I become. And the worst part is that my thirst is at its most unquenchable at night, so I wake up every hour to pee. I know I should drink less at night, but I simply cannot do that, I am just too damned thirsty.

I want to wish my girlfriend C a big congratulations on her pregnancy with identical twins!!! I am so happy for you, L, and C (and the dogs, cats, and fish too). I wish you a happy and healthy pregnancy and I will call you very soon! You are a doll and deserve all the best. I wish you still lived here! I am thinking of you. I want you to know that when I talk about you with my husband, he refers to you as my friend with the flat stomach!!!

Damned If I Do; Damned If I Don't

2007-07-17T18:31:00.000-05:00

The genetic counselor (Mr. Personality of an Uncooked Noodle) called this afternoon to give us the results of our combined first trimester screening. Iceman, my mom, and I felt pretty confident after the nuchal fold measurement came back at 1.5mm, too confident I'm afraid.

The good news first:

Our chances of Cystic Fibrosis are very low as I appear not to be a carrier. The counselor said that the results are not 100%, but we have a "very low risk" of having a child with Cystic Fibrosis. Sounds good to me!

Our chances of having a child with Trisomy 13 or Trisomy 18 are 1 in 4,800. Terrific odds! Before the testing my odds were 1 in 245. Quite a nice improvement if I do say so myself.

Now the not so terrific news. Mr. Personality told me that based on my age alone and before any testing was taken into account I had a 1 in 136 chance of having a child with Down's Syndrome. The combined results have come back that I have a 1 in 80 chance of having a child with Down's Syndrome. Not such good odds, relatively speaking.

In my last post I had said that we would consider more invasive testing if our odds were greater than 1 in 300 and in my mind, 1 in 250 was a possibility as well, but shit, I did not think the results would come back like this considering the nuchal fold measurement. My OB said that it must have been the blood work that swayed the results. Whatever the reason, after discussing this with Iceman, my OB, his nurse, and my mom, we are going to do an amniocentesis. It is scheduled for next week Wednesday, July 25th, the day after my 38th birthday.

I was concerned when they scheduled it next week because on the day of the test I will only be 14 weeks 3 days. I voiced this concern to the lady who called to schedule the test. She said that the doctor reviewed the results and wanted the test scheduled in the next one or two weeks. I am glad to do it soon, but I will double-check with the doctor before he punctures me with that needle.

I have to say, following the initial news, I was upset and anxious, but I feel better now. I do not feel that our baby has Down's Syndrome (poo poo poo, knock on wood, bite my tongue). For the time being, I am comfortable in our plan to do an amnio and will handle each development as it comes.

It will be cool to find out the gender before 20 weeks! Now that is a silver lining!!!

I haven't told my close friend, S or my sister yet; I just did not have the strength today. I am very drained, tired, and constantly THIRSTY. I could drink a baby pool full of ice water in two shakes of a lamb's tale for goodness sake!

150 Beats Per Minute

2007-07-11T21:53:00.000-05:00

Wow!!! I cannot believe how much s/he has grown; s/he is a baby already! I had no idea what wonderful things we would see at this appointment. Look at those fingers. You can even see her/his cheekbone.

We heard the heartbeat today and it was awesome. I was starting to get scared because we had not been to the doctor in 4 weeks and a lot can happen from week 8 to week 12. When I heard that heartbeat I was so beyond words thrilled!! Our OB, who I trust completely (not something that I say lightly or often) said that our baby's heartbeat is "in the girl range." I thought that was an old wives tale, but that's what he said, so if I say she instead of s/he that's why. Just about everyone close to me thinks we are having a girl. It will be interesting to see. Awhile ago my father-in-law said he thinks we are having a boy, but I suspect wishful thinking on his part as his daughter is pregnant with a girl.

We went to the geneticist after our OB appointment and had our first trimester scan where they measure the nuchal fold of the baby's neck as a screening for a trisomy (three chromosomes where there should be a pair). The trisomy's are: Downs Syndrome (Trisomy 21), Trisomy 13 and Trisomy 18 . Our little baby was jumping all around in there and waving her arms. I swear she looked at me a waved!

They do this early scan in conjunction with blood work and then take all of the results combined with my age and give us a 1 in blah blah chance of having a baby with a Trisomy. Obviously this is non-invasive and cannot harm the baby. I am happy to do any detailed scans and blood work that poses no risk to the baby. The doctor said that the baby's nuchal fold should be under 2mm and definitely under 2.5mm. Our little babe's was 1.5mm, which they said was great! We should have the 1 in blah blah results in about 3 days. The medical community has an unwritten cut-off of 1 in 300 being a risk. At this point I am thinking that if our risk of a trisomy comes back as over 1 in 300, then I will not have an amniocentesis, if it is under 1 in 300, then I may.

I am just so happy that s/he is so active and apparently happy. We may have a dancer or a swimmer in there!

169 Beats Per Minute

2007-06-14T21:45:00.000-05:00

8 Weeks 3 Days (yesterday 6/13/07)
CRL: 17.6 mm
GA: 8 weeks 2 days

I went to my OB's office last week for blood work and Iceman and I went yesterday for our first appointment with our OB. It is so wonderful to be in the care of this office!!! What a change from the horrible nurse-witches at the RE's office. Following the appointment yesterday I felt terrific, like everything will be okay and that I can handle it all.

I was so excited when they tried to use the Doppler ultrasound (on top of the abdomen), but they could not find the baby. The tech told us it was due to my having a tilted uterus, but I was scared! Back to the trans-vaginal ultrasound. I panicked a bit until she found the baby. Then I panicked until I saw the little heart beating, then I cried when I saw the arm! I was so shocked; I screamed out, "I see the arm, I see the arm!" Then I wasn't sure, so I asked if it really was the arm and it was!! Then I saw the leg and I was thrilled; this is our baby!!! Awesome! I told iceman and the tech, "I have looked at many ultrasounds of other people's kids and I never knew what I was looking at. I knew immediately when I saw my kid's arm and leg!" It was beyond words awe inspiring!

Iceman thinks the baby looks like a teddy bear and the tech agreed with him. I think s/he looks like a real baby already and that is pretty darn cool.

Every one we know tells us their gender opinion... "Your having a boy." or "Wendy's having a girl." Hmmmm. It's funny how there is never an "I think" it is always a definite. I only mention this 'cause I think it's a little strange that people are so sure about their opinion, but nice that people care enough about our pregnancy to give a shit whether we are having a boy or girl. Personally, I change my mind about the gender multiple times a day. It will be awesome when we find out, then I can start spending ($ we don't have). I did buy two pairs of Cubs booties yesterday. They were on sale and since our bundle will be born in the winter, s/he will need warm booties. This is the second purchase I have made for the baby. The first was a rocking stuffed elephant. There was only one left and I had to have it!!!

145 Beats Per Minute

2007-06-04T22:27:00.001-05:00

7 weeks 1 day
Exit Appointment with RE! Yeah!!! No more nurse S...
AKA: Waste of viable human organs, Nurse Ratchet

Heartbeat: 145

CRL (crown rump length): 12.1mm

CRL Calculated Gest. Age: 7.4

CRL six days ago at 6 w 2 d: 6.7 mm

CRL Calculated Gest. Age: 6.6

CRL Measures: 6 weeks 3 days

113 Beats Per Minute

2007-05-29T17:15:00.000-05:00

6 weeks 2 days

Heartbeat: 113
(normal heartbeat at 6-7 weeks is 90-110 beats per minute)

Progesterone: 24.1

No need for beta HCG
(took that as a good sign!)

We saw the heartbeat! Iceman was so cute; before I could even see the screen he was like a kid in a candy store, "I see it! I see it!" I have to say, when I first inserted the light saber in my crotch and the tech was quietly looking around in there, I was scared, scared that they wouldn't see a heartbeat, but then Iceman saw it. It was pretty darn cool. My clothes are already tight, no shit!

So, I have mentioned my nurse S. before and the fact that she is a waste of viable human organs (I can't take credit for that one, my friend Staci coined that phrase), well today I lost it at the clinic. S. saw me while making my next appointment, and of course, said nothing to acknowledge my presence. I had a question and again she brushed me off like an annoying fly in her ear. While Iceman was using the bathroom (very small bladder) I stood by the reception desk. The young lady behind the counter (nice girl) asked if she could help me or if I was waiting for S. I told her that I was not waiting for S. then I went on to say (abridged version)...

Me: "I cannot stand that woman!"

Receptionist: "I totally understand." (I could tell that she really did understand; she had a teeny knowing smirk flash across her face)

Me: "That woman is a fucking bitch!" (I am tearing up at this point)

Me: "She treats me like this every time I am here. She never even called me when we found out we were pregnant! She is my nurse and she still has not called me. She treats me like shit!" (I am in tears by now)

Receptionist: "I am so sorry. What is your question? I can ask someone else. I will report this; you will never have to deal with her again."

Well, unfortunately I did have to deal with her again because she is the one who called me with my results. S. had the nerve to mention my being upset earlier today and I told her that I did not want to discuss it. I had just woken up from a nap because I had a horrible headache. This bitch went on to make a bunch of excuses about being short one nurse and it being busy after a holiday, blah, blah, blah, and fuck you!!! You treated me the exact same way 17 dpIUI when I came in for my second beta and no one else was in the office that day. I just got my results and instructions and goodbye nurse Ratchet.

N., the tech who draws my blood told me to make an OB ultrasound and blood work exit appointment for next week. I did, but nurse Ratchet called and said the the doctor looked at my ultrasound and blood work and that there was no need for my u/s and b/w appointment next week (6/5) and to cancel it; just keep the exit appointment with the doctor (6/12). Being that I just woke up from a nap and that I was displeased (to say the least) that Ratchet was the one to call me, I did not ask why there was no need for the appointment. I am assuming that it is because things are looking good (knock on wood, bite your tongue), but the receptionist had said that we would hear the heartbeat at the next visit and now I am a little upset that we won't be doing that. I am planning on moving my exit appointment with the doctor up to next Monday. He had an appointment that day, but we didn't take it because he is at an office very far away, but now I don't care, I just want to move on to my OB and hear our baby's heartbeat ASAP!

I really like N., the lady who takes my blood. She told me that she was so glad that I didn't have to keep going go through this (fertility treatments). That was very sweet of her to say. I gave her a hug goodbye. She was the only one who told me my follicle sizes, how many follicles there were, what to expect next, my HCG levels, etc. That is not even her job, but she made a point to give me some information and comfort when I obviously needed it; I will always remember her for that. I did tell this to my doctor at our last consult and I will tell him again at my exit appointment. Good work needs to be acknowledged and appreciated. I will also mention S. and her total lack of human skills, unapologetic self importance, and complete disregard for her patients fears, needs, confusion, and feelings.

Most importantly, we are pregnant following our first IUI, and that is a miracle that no one expected, least of all me! I am still somewhat in shock, though waking up 100 times a night in a cold sweat, having to pee is starting to make it pretty real for us, as is needing to buy new clothes already. I know that we are still at the beginning and have a lot of hurdles to jump, but this is wonderful and we are thrilled to be on our way to parenthood.

Kicked Butt

2007-05-21T08:58:00.000-05:00

So, I haven't mentioned the fact that I quit smoking. It has been indescribably horrendous, but I had to do it. This will be my sixth day smoke free and my husband is so proud of me. My father-in-law gave me shit yesterday for not quitting earlier. He was horrified that I was "5 weeks" pregnant and only 5 days of not smoking. He actually huffed and sulked out of the room in disgust. He doesn't get the dating from our last menstrual period (LMP) thing, so he has decided to be Mr. Judgmental and Mr. Horrified all at once. You know, it's funny, he smoked most of his adult life and quit a couple of years ago, and now he's the preacher of what is okay and not okay for everone else. It's amazing how all of his kids turned out so terrific, considering all of the cigarettes that were smoked and wine and vodka that was guzzled when they were in utero. I feel bad enough about my weaknesses, I don't need to be chastised about one of them after I quit. No medal needed or deserved, just some restraint regarding unsolicited advice and unwanted opinions would be terrific, thanks.

Don't misunderstand, I love my father-in-law to death, which is why his attitude hurt my feelings. He's been badgering us about having kids for nearly 10 years and the first time I see him since we found out that we are pregnant, he acts cold and distant. That hurt. Not even a hug when we came in the door. After a few uncomfortable moments my husband says to him, "Why don't you give your pregnant daughter-in-law a hug?" Maybe he's just paranoid or superstitious. Maybe because his daughter is pregnant, he doesn't care about us being pregnant as much. I sure hope that's not it.

When we were at my in-laws yesterday my sister-in-law (who is 18 weeks pregnant) and my husband agreed that part of the reason for my panic attacks is my quitting smoking cold turkey. This was mildly comforting in that I don't want to be insane. I wish I shared their belief, but I am leaning toward my being semi & part-time crazy. Also, my first panic attack in quite a while was May 5th, and I was still smoking at that time. That one could possibly attributed to stopping Zoloft cold-turkey, but who knows? I just hope I make it through this pregnancy with what's left of my sanity in tact.

Another Panic Attack

2007-05-20T08:26:00.001-05:00

I absolutely must see a doctor about these G-d damned panic attacks. About 30 minutes after I went to bed last night I woke up with my heart thumping out of my chest. I got out of bed, and because I cannot take Xanax, I decided to go take Benadryl. My husband stopped me and tried to calm me down, but the shaking, heart palpitations, not being able to catch my breath, tears, confusion, and indescribable fear and panic is gonna fuckin' kill me. This may get worse as the pregnancy progresses (knock on wood, bite your tongue, etc.) and I do not think this is good for any of us (me, my husband, and Ri-short for Rice; my sister's name for the babe).

I don't even understand where this comes from, but after this panic attack, all of my thoughts turned dark. I started thinking of things that really depressed and confused me. You know how when you have a really bad dream and it colors your whole day in bleakness and haze? Well that is how this is, only on crack. I just want to be happy. Honestly, my true life's goal is to be content (winning the lottery is a very close second though).

Also, is it a panic attack, an anxiety attack, or a two-for-one combo? I understand having a panic attack on an airplane or even in a crowded restaurant, but in my bed wrested from a sound sleep? Maybe this is still an after effect of my going off Zoloft from April 24 to May 8? I don't know, but I cannot keep going through this. I so wish that I wasn't crazy. I have heard it said that people with a high intelligence have a greater propensity to suffer from maladies such as: anxiety, panic, and depression. If this is in fact true, I prefer the ignorance is bliss life model! I'll gladly trade in some I.Q. points for a little peace of mind (not really, but a pregnancy class B or even C Benzodiazepine would be greatly appreciated).

This is our cat Squeaks comforting me after my panic attack. If you click on the top picture you can see on my watch that it is 3:40 something am. I sure could have used a Xanax instead!

Prince Charming

2007-05-20T00:31:00.000-05:00

You Gotta Kiss a Lot of Frogs

Unfortunately, you have got to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your Prince Charming, but how many? My poor sister has "kissed" a lot of frogs lately.

My husband, my sister, her friend and I went out to a great tapas restaurant for dinner. We were going to come back to our house to play some games, but my sister was tired, so she and her friend decided to call it a night. Well she just called me with a story that I feel I must share.

A while ago, my sister was set up with her friend's boyfriend's friend (not the friend who went to dinner with us tonight). They dated briefly, but he turned out to be a bit of a turd, so end of story, right? Not exactly. This turd just called my sister's cell phone (she saw who it was and didn't answer) and left her a message saying that he was at a bar and for her to call him back. Well, she had no intention of doing so, but her friend convinced her to send him a text (why I don't know), so here is the text conversation,

My sister: "You rang..."

Turd: "I did."

My sister: "and..."

and this schmuck texts back, "I want to fuck."

Now he is obviously 6 cans short of a 6 pack because what else could she say but, "Well then, go fuck yourself!" Classic! How often are we afforded the opportunity to use such a perfect retort?

By the way, he has yet to respond. He must have taken her up on her suggestion.

Beta Times Two and Then Some!

2007-05-16T22:16:00.000-05:00

I went for my second beta today and I was soooo scared that the numbers would fall short, but I was thrilled to hear that my...

beta was: 1112

and my

progesterone was: 28.9

My HCG is doubling every 1.56 days or 37.51 hours (I used online calculators to figure this out; math is not my strong suit). That seems really terrific, judging from the averages that I have seen on the Internet.

I am not sure why the progesterone level fell, but the doctor (the lady who takes my blood called me, not my doctor; it was a nice day to play golf) seemed unconcerned, so I will try to be as well. Our next appointment is on Tuesday, May 29th and it is for our first ultrasound (Yeah!!!). If all goes well at this appointment, then I will hopefully begin to relax (a teensy bit).

I am elated beyond words, but I have fears, fears that no one close to me wants to hear and to be frank, I don't blame them; I don't want to have these fears either. Understandably, we all (my husband, mom and sister) want to relish in the excitement, but I have these nagging fears regardless.

A high, doubling HCG number is great news, but it also could indicate a molar pregnancy and although they are relatively rare (about 1 in 1000 or 1 in 1500) I think about the possibility. By the way, I wouldn't even know what a molar pregnancy is, but I just read the book Waiting for Daisy and the author had a partial molar pregnancy. The more I read about molar pregnancies, the more I realize that I am just a nutcase; it is unlikely.

I also think about my dear friend who saw a heartbeat at six weeks, started spotting, and two days later the heartbeat was no more. Not long before that my same friend had a blighted ovum and lost that pregnancy too. It is hard not to let these thoughts seep into my consciousness and because I am a little nuts and I don't want to spoil the fun for other people, I have to give these fears voice somewhere.

I must go back to my elation. I am thrilled, but I am definitely still in shock. I never really thought this would work, especially with my dx, the chances of success given me by my RE, and the many failed IUI's of friends, acquaintances, and online buddies. My excitement is tempered by two online friends who were on the same journey with me day by day, but now have to endure yet another cycle of IF treatment. Another online friend received the news of a negative beta, and I know that there is nothing I can do or say to ease their pain. I feel so guilty and I want so much to still be online friends, but will they still want to talk with me? I really don't blame them if they pull back; I know how hard the disappointment of a failed cycle is. I just wish we all got positive, doubling betas and we could go through our first pregnancies together.

I offer no advice; my RE seemingly pulled a rabbit out of an empty hat and I am grateful beyond words, but saddened all the same for my special friends who are still waiting for their miracles. I will be here pulling for and waiting with you.

Beta Bing

2007-05-14T18:18:00.000-05:00

Holy fucking shit..........,

I AM PREGNANT!!!!!!!!

It may even be twins!

Any thoughts on this possibilty are welcome and will be greatly appreciated!

Beta: 458 (wow!)
Progesterone: 39 (awesome, no oil shots or suppositories)

I am beyond shocked and thrilled. My RE really is a magic maker! The odds were stacked against us and we are elated. That doesn't mean that I am not worrying about all of the things that could go awry, especially at my age, but those thoughts are for a later post. For now, we are basking in the light of a miracle. I am pregnant.

(My next beta is Wednesday May 16th @ 11:00 am)

Cycle day 27
15 dpo/IUI
17 dp HCG Trigger
10 dp HCG Booster

Um, I Think I May Be Pregnant

2007-05-14T05:37:00.000-05:00

The top HPT in the picture is 2 days past HCG trigger, The middle HPT is 5 days past trigger, and the bottom HPT is 10 days past HCG booster (today). The doses of the trigger and booster were the same.

Today is:

cycle day 27 (my cycles average 25 days)

17 dp trigger

15 dpo/IUI (I should have had my period by now)

10 dp HCG booster (could it still be in my system?)

I ran out of the Dollar Tree tests, so I had to use my "good" test this morning. The only problem with this is that I cannot compare it to yesterday's test (until I go to Dollar Tree to buy more). I can, however, compare it to earlier tests and the result looks quite promising.

My husband is excited (yesterday he was beyond skeptical and kind of a buzz kill when we showed my parents the HPTs at Mother's Day lunch), but he still wants to wait for the result of the blood test because he doesn't trust the HPT result; he fears that the HCG may be tricking us. He says that he is "straddling the edge of excitement" right now and is, "reserving his excitement for after the blood test." I can't blame him, he has been a pessimist since I met him while I am ~~always~~ usually optimistic. Plus, we both like quantifiable evidence to believe in something, though him more than me; I am starting to believe!

I have my job interview in 2 hours and 50 minutes and I slept 2-3 hours at the most last night. I am scared, scared of all of the possibilites, good and bad. I told Iceman this, and he told me that now is not the time for such thoughts, but they are there. Right now I must try to concentrate on....I don't know what.

I will post again after I get the results of the beta.

Contradiction

2007-05-13T07:55:00.000-05:00

I literally JUST squirted the requisite 4 drops of pee on the bottom HPT and G-d damned if it isn't darker than yesterday's, and the one from the day before!

Problem: It is 15 dpo and my temperature just dropped, exactly as it would when I am about to get my period. I am nauseous, but that's normal too!!!

Shit, my temperature dropped, my back hurts, I feel like my period is coming..., but that line IS most definitely fuckin' darker; isn't it?? What does it mean? My fucking temperature dropped! Now I am so confused. I am watching it next to me and it IS VERY dark, but my G-d damned temp. dropped significantly, from 98.39 yesterday to 97.79 today!

I guess if I don't get my period today, then I will know after the beta tomorrow. If I do get my period today, should I go in for the beta anyway?? Again...the agony!

HELP ME!

Should I do the First Response test? These are Dollar Tree cheapies, so that I could test incessantly w/out losing my house. Should I buy more of these as I just used my last one, or should I wait and do nothing until tomorrow?

They did my IUI on a Sunday, why the FUCK can't they do a beta on a Sunday?

After all of this time, I longed to see a positive HPT, and now that I MAY have one, I have no idea if it's real...........

Real or Memorex?

2007-05-12T08:53:00.000-05:00

Holy Fuckin' shit! Today is 15 dp trigger, 8 dp HCG booster, 13 dpo/IUI and that damn line looks darker than yesterday! Is this real? The nurse and the RE told me that I "should" get a reliable result today, but because I have tested every fuckin' day since the HCG booster, and gotten 2 lines every day, I have no idea what's real, what's artificial injection and I cannot get a beta until Monday! Don't they know we cannot wait that long? How can they not do beta tests over the weekend? I need to know now! FUCK! SHIT! I feel like my period is coming and I need some beta numbers, not just a second line.

Somebody help! I NEED A BETA!!!

I have now officially driven myself crazy. I thought doing a test each day was smart, that way I could know when the HCG shots were out of my system, and now I can't even get quantifiable evidence until Monday. Ohhh the agony.

By 7 days past the trigger (top HPT in picture), the line was super faint, almost nonexistent, now I am 8 days past the booster (bottom HPT in picture) and the line is definitely there; looking darker than yesterday (middle HPT in picture). I am beside myself with confusion. I cannot even be happy or sad or anything. Where can I get a beta on a Saturday?

Oh my G-d, this is crazy; I am crazy! Maybe I should do another test? Maybe the same kind, maybe a different kind? I am such a control freak and I need to know now! Not in two days, not on Monday, today, right fuckin' now!

I have no way out except patience and I have long since run out.

Welcome to the 35-44 Age Group

2007-05-11T01:05:00.000-05:00

Today is Iceman's 35th birthday! I put this picture from his birthday last year because it is so damned cute! We went to his favorite sushi restaurant (eek!) and no, I did not eat any raw fish! I rarely do, I like fried stuff; he likes the raw stuff. I want you to know that my husband is a wonderful man and I am very lucky to have him. He loves me exactly as I am, flaws, failings, fears, fuck-ups and all, and for that I am eternally grateful. I am one lucky bitch.

I am supposedly 12 dpo/IUI and 14 dp HCG trigger; my IUI was Sunday, April, 29. We had our 'if we didn't conceive this cycle' consult on Tuesday and the decision was made that due to my "diagnosis" (translation-high FSH), we will move on to IVF-IF I am not pregnant. My doses will be increased in the hopes of getting more than one mature egg. I sure don't think a needle through the vaginal canal is worth it for one egg. Speaking of one egg, when I mentioned my most likely only having had one mature egg this cycle (300 Follistim for 7 days) to my RE, guess what he said..."It only takes one." Now, because he is an RE, I guess it's okay, but I did snicker a bit. When other people say that to me, I have this strange urge to head-butt them.

You know, I was really psyched that we could possibly find out if we were going to be parents on Iceman's birthday or Mother's Day, but today is too early for a reliable result and my RE doesn't do blood tests on the weekends (what the fuck kinda shit is that?). In hindsight or foresight or whatever sight, it is probably better this way. Last summer I got my period on my birthday and it SUCKED! Not only was I not pregnant, I felt like complete shit! The next month I got my period, then came home from my in-laws to find my beloved cat Washington, our first pet, dead on the counter with his head in a pool of blood from an apparent aneurysm.

I must tell you that I have been pissing on HPTs all fucking week; every day since Friday 5/4 and also on 4/29 and 5/2. The first time I POAS after the HCG shot was pretty cool 'cuz I had only seen positive pregnancy tests on the cover of the boxes in which they are sold. The real problem now is that by 5/4 the HCG trigger (I shot up w/ Ovidrel on 4/27) was nearly out of my system; the line on the HPT was super faint, but on 5/4 my RE had me do an HCG booster, so the damned things are still positive. My nurse told me to test 15 dpIUI (tomorrow), but how reliable will that be since the HCG is still showing up today? Also, if it is positive, I can't go in for the fuckin' beta until Monday. Again, it's probably best, but if I get my period on Mother's Day, I am sure that I will be wallowing in the irony of it.

Back to the if I didn't conceive consult. I asked my RE about him wanting me to go off Zoloft. I told him that the tech who takes my blood told me that HE told her to tell me that I must go off of it ASAP. His response was that he never tells his patients to just stop anti-depressants cold turkey like that. I told him that I didn't quite trust what she said, so when I came in for my next u/s and b/w, I asked her again and she sang the same exact tune. He said that he was going to talk to her because he never said anything like that. Now, I do not want her to get in any trouble because I like her; she treats me nicely and prints out all of my results for me, but I stopped Zoloft cold turkey because she told me to, and that is just not cool. I hope she doesn't start hurting me with that needle now when I come in for my b/w!

I also told him my feelings about the u/s tech who I have been unlucky enough to have had nearly every time I have gone in. She wields that ultrasound wand like a light saber, I kid you not! I mean shit, that hurts, especially on day 3. What bothered me more than her less than gentle probing of my nether region, and her cold, dismissive, uncaring demeanor, was what I feel was a major faux pas on her part.

On April 26 I went in for my u/s and b/w. The office called that afternoon to tell me that my RE wanted me to go an extra day on Follistim and Ganirelex to see if we could get my second largest follicle to mature before the trigger. The bigger follicle was 19.5mm and the second was 13mm. Okay, so I go in the next day and light saber tech measured one follicle at 19.5mm and the other at 13.5mm . I casually mention that I am surprised because I went an extra day on the meds in the hopes of some growth on the smaller follicle. She then remeasures the bigger follicle and says, "Oh, well when I take the average of the measurements, it's actually 21.5mm." First of all, why didn't you measure correctly the first time? Secondly, why am I telling you how to do your job? and third, why didn't you measure the smaller follicle again? This pissed me off and it didn't sink in until after I left the office. If I could have gone back, I would have asked to her to remeasure it, but shit, I am still a novice at this. Needless to say, I felt that I must tattle because this is a heart rending process without a cold bitch for a tech. and I need to be treated with a little more professionalism and TLC. I try to do unto others ya know what I mean?

My RE assured me that her diagnostic skills are top notch (he basically gave me her resume of experience and training), but that her people skills leave a lot to be desired. This made me feel better for two reasons, 1) he has confidence in her skills and 2) he knows she is a cold bitch. He said that he was glad that I told him all of this because he wants me to feel comfortable coming in to the office. I hope he means this because it is hard enough going in alone every other day to get poked in the crotch by a light saber, jabbed with a needle in my bruised and battered inner elbow, and then go home to jab myself in my swollen, mutilated abdomen with more needles.

Fertility/infertility treatment is such fun!

I am beginning to feel as though my period is coming. I hope I am wrong!

Below is our cat Squeaks (isn't she a stunner) in front of the balloon bouquet that I made for Iceman's birthday. Iceman named her; I wanted to name her Lupin because as a kitten she looked like a wolf, but now I get to name the maybe baby! Incidentally, he doesn't remember that we made that deal. Too bad; I win!

Dude, Where's My Job?

2007-05-09T04:45:00.000-05:00

How do I have time to sit on the computer all day, especially when my house is in dyer need of cleaning? Don't I have a job? Funny you should ask. At the present time, I do not have a job. It's not that I don't want a job; I do, unless I become independently wealthy, that is. Then my job will be to donate exorbitant sums of money to worthy causes, and live a life of leisure (pronounced Leh-shur) and shopping.

I had a job, I was a teacher in the Chicago Public Schools for ten years, then I was a counselor/case manager in the same school district for two years. Well, what happened? I'll tell ya.

On January 30, 2006 I was at my job as a counselor/case manager, working hard to serve the students on my case load and fix all of the ills facing the school in which I worked. I wore many hats in that job, most of which were meant to be worn by my boss, the school's principal, but I was better at wearing said hats than he was. Too bad his salary was double that of mine, which left a bitter taste in my mouth; similar to that of cyanide escaping from a poisoned corpse, but I digress. Anyway, I was in the middle of a pretty stressful day, when I started having cramps on the right side of my lower abdomen. This did not bother me too much because as I have gotten older, the cramps associated with my period have gotten progressively worse. The thing was, I did not have my period. I still didn't worry, because as I said, it was a stressful day and I attributed my cramps to to either an indication of an impending early period, stress, or a combination of the two.

I stood up from my desk to go to the bathroom, and I had a shockingly sharp cramp. The kind of cramp that brings you down to the floor, regardless of where you are at the time. I was, thank goodness, alone in my office. I recovered from said cramp and was about to resume my trek to the bathroom when I had a sudden wave of severe nausea and abdominal cramping. I ran to the bathroom so as to avoid puking on my office floor. I didn't throw up (I hate to throw up, will do anything within my power to avoid it), but then I began to worry.

The cramping continued and so did the nausea. I went to my trusty Google search engine to see if these may be symptoms of something serious. All symptoms said appendicitis. I called Iceman at work and told him how I was feeling. He left work toot sweet (he is a middle school teacher who was in the middle of standing and delivering), flew over to my job, picked me up, and off to the ER we went. I should mention that Iceman doesn't miss work for ANYTHING, ever. I believe he took a sick day once, only because I made him, demanded that he stay home; he was extremely sick. Even then he only stayed home for one day, when any reasonable person would have probably been out all week. He was worried too.

We get to the ER and they ask a bunch of questions, one being "Could you be pregnant?" "Well, yes, I could be." I stated confidently. We had begun to try to get pregnant, so maybe it was an ectopic? Nope. (we didn't yet know that a natural pregnancy was unlikely at best) Was it an appendicitis? Nope. After numerous tests I was told to see a urologist ASAP because there was "major amounts of blood in my urine and mild hydronephrosis on my right kidney." This didn't surprise me because I had been having a major amount of blood in my urine for about ten years, but I wanted to finally find out what was causing it. The hydronephrosis was just a nice bonus.

The first urologist we saw showed us my scan and one of my ureters was "missing." It also appeared that I had a swollen mass in my bladder, a 9mm lesion on my left kidney, and a bump on my liver in addition to the blood in my urine. Because of those things, I was scheduled for a cystourethroscopy (cystoscopy, for short). This procedure was to be done on an outpatient basis at the hospital, under a general anesthetic. I took a medical leave of absence because the surgery couldn't be done until February 13, 2006, I was still in considerable pain, and after 10 days of absence in the Chicago Public Schools, one must apply for and receive a medical leave of absence. I did this right away, just in case; assuming that I would be back in the saddle lickety split. Well, that was not to be.

The lining of my bladder was red, raw, irritated, bled when touched, and was covered with glomerulations (hemorrages) of blood vessels, but the ureter was not "missing" and it was not blocked. This was a possible indication of Interstitial Cystitis (IC). The mass was benign, so that was good, but when stretched to capacity with saline, my bladder bled and was the size of a normal person's bladder, non-stretched. Another possible sign of Interstitial Cystitis. The doctor reported his findings to my family while I was in recovery; I was glad that I had a diagnosis after years of gross hematuria. Then, when I spoke with the urologist (#1) at my post operative consult, he said that it wasn't Interstitial Cystitis because the biopsy came back normal. Now, I freely admit that I am no urologist, but a biopsy does not indicate or contraindicate the disease, it merely rules out cancer. This urologist specialized in male urological disorders, so on to my second urologist.

My second urologist (a urogynecologist) was a mensch, a wonderful man who made me feel that I had come to the right place. He felt that it was Interstitial Cystitis, but that there was no reliable treatment except in the form of pelvic floor exercises with a specially trained physical therapist, and pills that may help control bladder spasms (they didn't). He did this bladder test, which involved filling my bladder with saline to test it's capacity. Well, this procedure had just begun when said saline literally shot out from my vagina straight at him and his nurse. I was mortified and they were in shock. Through my shouts of embarrassed apology, they confirmed that I have severe bladder spasms (duh) and that I obviously had IC and OAB (Overactive Bladder). I was sent to an OB for a trans vaginal ultrasound (my first of many) because often times IC and endometriosis are found concurrently.

The OB (actually, I only saw an ultrasound tech) found what appeared to be an adnexal cyst or endometrioma, which may be an indication of endometriosis; I was referred to an RE for further testing (it is April by this time). This RE (1st) was a pompous prick and I detested him immediately. He condescendingly told me that it may or may not be an endometrioma. One cannot tell via ultrasound, only through a laparoscopy. Now, he is the professional and he obviously knows more than I, but don't act like an ass; I'm not stoopid. Just tell me what we are going to do next. Lucky for me I was on day 3 of my cycle, so I had my second trans. vag. u/s and day 3 blood work. We were going to do the clomid challenge starting on cycle day 5, following the results of my blood work. On day 5 I get a call from his majesty's office asking where to call in my Rx, when the nurse or tech or whatever she was shouts, "Wow, your estradiol level is very high. I must talk to the doctor to see if he still wants you to start the clomid challenge test." Nice, very professional lady. Why didn't you look at my results before you called me? She speaks with G-d and I get the go-ahead to begin the test. At this point I have no idea what a day 3 estradiol level of 102 means.

Three days into the test, I have what I presume to be a profound nervous breakdown. All I am thinking about is the death of everyone that I love, including my pets. I rock back and forth on my couch wide eyed, seized with panic, confusion, and non-stop crying. I call my mom's cell phone; no answer. I call my husband's cell phone; no answer. Fuck, I am losing it and I cannot get in touch with anyone. I call G-d's office and report my psychosis. The lady on the other end of the line was a sweetheart (I sent her a heartfelt thank you card). She explained that this happens to some people on clomid and that if I wanted to stop the test, I could. I did!

As it turned out, G-d was not able to do the laparoscopy because my insurance wouldn't cover it; I had to have an OB/GYN do the procedure. I did not have an OB/GYN at the time as my GP had been doing my yearly paps forever. My GP and urologist both recommended the same OB/GYN and off to the next doctor I went.

He was a great guy, and a fabulous diagnostician, I was to later find out. We scheduled the laparoscopy in conjunction with my urologist so that he could do a cyctsocopy at the same time. Two-for-one, good deal; I'll take it. My urolosist did not feel that the cystoscopy was necessary as he was pretty sure what I had, but being the mensch that he is, he obliged me.

Good news and bad news. After the surgery, my OB/GYN reported to my family that I did not have endometriosis (good news), I did have a paraovarian cyst (no biggie, unless it gets to be a biggier cyst and twists my ovary), and that my ovaries were losing function (bad news). In our post surgery consult, he suggested that Iceman and I try for a couple of months to get pregnant naturally because following a laparoscopy, a woman is quite fertile for approx. 3-4 months. We obliged for six months, to no avail. Referral to second RE.

This last surgery was in June of 2006. I got my return to work letter and went to re-enlist in the trenches of the Chicago Public Schools, confident that my job was safely awaiting my return. WRONG! I had been bumped out of my position, but I could become a substitute teacher. WHAT!?! I don't think so. What the fuck happened to my job? Where is my protection under the FMLA (Family Medical Leave Act)? It seems that there is a loophole, of which I was unaware. You see, because I was in a cerified position (need a type 73 certificate) with a temporary certification (type 78 certificate), I had no protection under the FMLA.

I was still in graduate school at the time working on my Master's in School Counseling and I had become a Student Development Teacher (SDT, not to be confused with STD) in order to work as a counselor/case manager. By becoming a SDT and obtaining a temporary certificate (type 78) I was able to do the job of a counselor/case manager until I earned my degree and certification. This program was developed because there was a monumental shortage of certified counselors in CPS and the positions needed to be filled. It doesn't matter; I was fucked. I had no recourse, and I had no job.

To be honest, I hated that job. For many reasons, the main one being that my boss, a new principal with NO experience, was a total douche bag (Iceman's favorite derogatory term). It wasn't so much that he had no idea how to run a school, which he didn't; it was that he did not care to learn. He put all of his work on me and his assistant principal while he was on his computer all day doing nothing. The prick was scared of the kids for Christ's sake! Total fuckhead! If he didn't know how to do something (which was almost every aspect of running a school), he wouldn't; we would have to do it. Now, I am a hard worker and I have a passion for figuring things out, so extra work does not bother me, but...when important documents from the Board of Education are addressed by name to the principal of a school, specifically requesting that S/HE do something, it is obnoxious to literally cross out your name and write WENDY over it and put it in my mailbox. I mean what kind of shit is that?

Anyway, that is the how and why of me losing my job. You can see that in some ways it was a blessing in disguise. I have since heard that the place has fallen apart (YEAH!), which is too bad for the kids, but the teachers are terrific, so it won't really affect them anyway. Plus, hopefully the sad state of the place will solidify that the incompetent, pissant will not have his contract renewed next year. Ahhh, dare to dream. Another blessing was that I was able to go to school full-time and finish my master's degree. The downside is that Iceman and I are fuckin' dead broke. I still haven't found a job, and if the lottery doesn't pan out....

It will, I WILL WIN! No worries, somebody's gonna lotto, might as well be me!!!

Panic Attack

2007-05-05T04:26:00.000-05:00

It's official, I had my first panic attack in quite awhile. The last time was about 10 months ago when I was in the back seat of my sister's transitional boyfriend's car. He was a crazy driver, so naturally I blame him. I had my trusty Xanax in my purse, so problem solved.

About an hour ago I was jolted from a sound sleep shaking with anxiety. I woke up Iceman, got out of bed, and paced around the bedroom like a caged animal. He asked what was wrong and as I fumbled to explain what was wrong, I realized that I could not find the words to describe what I was feeling. I took off my top, paced back and forth (that's bad naked for you Seinfeld fans), then got back into bed. Got out of bed again, put on a different top, then got back into bed. Got back out of bed and went to my trusty computer. No sense in needlessly worrying Iceman, especially because he wants what is best for me and if the fertility meds make me crazy, he will want me to stop taking them; I mean injecting them. I am starting to feel better! This blogging thing may be my new Xanax. Awesome!

I am not sure if this panic attack is partly due to the multitude of fertility meds. in my system, going off Zoloft 2 weeks ago, or if I am just forever doomed to suffer from out-of-the-blue bouts of paralyzing panic. The difference between this panic attack and the last one, is that I no longer have my Xanax crutch. I mean I have Xanax, in my bathroom and in my purse; I just absolutely cannot take it. It is a class D pregnancy drug, and though I am not officially pregnant, I may be. The chance that I am actually pregnant seems rather minuscule when all factors are taken into account but, I MAY BE, and I cannot take any chances.

The panic attack didn't last that long, thank goodness, but I am still quite jittery. I suspect that it is due, at least in part, to the meds., at least I hope so. I gave myself the HCG booster today and shortly after puncturing my semi-healed belly, I became jittery. This jitteriness was a nice addition to my astounding belly bloat, searing migraine, abdominal cramping, diarrhea, nausea, dizziness, gaseousness, and my poor sore boobies. Infertility treatment is such fun!

I must state that I am keenly aware that we are astoundingly lucky that our insurance covers infertility, ahem, fertility treatment. Our jobs pay shit (Iceman's job, I lost mine last spring), but our insurance is pretty good, even though it's an HMO, which means that we cannot choose the doctor we see. I digress, we are damn lucky. My mom is always telling me how lucky I am, and as far as our insurance covering infertility treatment, she's right.

I mentioned in a previous post that immediately after the IUI, I was exuberantly happy, and optimistically content. I wasn't even (that) mad at my mom anymore ( I will write about this in a later post). I never thought that a straw threaded through my cervix into my uterus could bring such joy. There are no words to express how happy I felt. You know how when you are on an awesome vacation and you just feel good? That's how I felt. This feeling of peace with the world lasted one day, then I crashed.

Asinine Suggestions, Irrelevant Anecdotes, and Smart Ass Responses

2007-05-02T00:28:00.000-05:00

Asinine Suggestions, Irrelevant Anecdotes, and Smart Ass Comments

"You're lucky, this treatment wasn't available 15 years ago." Yeah, I feel lucky punk; every time I stick that needle in my belly.

"Stop trying." If we stop trying we will never have a baby. Where is the logic in that? What's your I.Q. anyway Einstein?

"Have some wine." F*ck off, I don't even like wine. I like cigarettes!

"Just think positive." I am thinking positive douche bag!

"Just relax, then you'll get pregnant." Oh my G-d! That's all I have to do; why didn't my R.E. tell me, 'cuz These shots hurt!

"Go on vacation." Okay, great! Who's paying? You see, Mike and are I woefully underpaid teachers. Also, After my laparosopy and second cystoscopy last year, I lost my job. Thanks FMLA, 12 years of dedicated service to children and all you guarantee me is a substitute position? Nice loophole.

"I work with this lady and her daughter-in-law had to do shots for two years, plus she had to deal with kidney stones; twice! In fact she's in the hospital right now..." Wow, I guess I am lucky 'cuz I have only just started jabbing needles in my belly. If I have to go through this for another two years, will I have earned some sympathy? It's really comforting to know how much better off I am than your acquaintance's son's wife. By the way, how are her kids?

"Have you considered donor eggs?" Uh, no, not yet; I just got this horrid diagnosis. I'd kinda like to try some aggressive treatment first, IF I can find an RE willing to work with a 37 year-old with a day 3 FSH level of 16.9. Hey, How's your kid doing?

"You could always adopt." Yeah, I hear that's a really easy process. Thanks for the tip. By the way, next time can you give me a monetary tip 'cuz adoption is REALLY expensive and my insurance only covers infertility (at least for a while).

"You know, you'll have to start doing handstands after sex." Thanks for the suggestion. And all this time I have been running right to the bathroom to pee after sex, letting all that man juice get away. Shit, I didn't realize! That must be it, (note to self). Listen douche bag, I have been keeping my pelvis elevated after sex since January 2006; January 20, 2006 to be exact

Are you eating right? Nope, just Twinkies, sushi, and battery acid. Why, do you think this is my fault? If it is, then how come all of those crack and heroine addicts get knocked up?

"My neighbor's, friend's sister-in-law knows someone who..." And this applies to me how?

"Just be patient; it will happen. It just takes time." How do you know; are you psychic?

"It's in G-d's hands." I don't believe in G-d, but you can.

Loving people trying innocently to help and just plain ignorants, I HAVE A MEDICAL CONDITION, that is why we are going through infertility. It's called a high FSH; my day 3 level is 16.9. LOOK IT UP! I would if you were going through this. Or, you could just actually read the multitude of links that I have sent to you. Other terms you may use to search for information are:

Premature Ovarian Failure (POF)
Diminished Ovarian Reserve (DOR)
Early Menopause
Peri Menopause
Diminished Fertility
How can I support and comfort my loved one while s/he is going through infertility?

This list will surely be updated, unless I am in jail for jabbing my Follistim pen into the eyes of some ignorant f*ckhead (with the needle attached , of course).

Love and Xanax in Chicago

2007-05-01T12:37:00.000-05:00

So, back to the Xanax. It is my touchstone, my savior, the one thing that allows me to to go on trips via airplane (rarely, my husband and I are teachers so we are grossly underpaid and therefore do not take many trips). Wait, I must interrupt myself! Back in December my sister and her friend were discussing their upcoming cruise with my parents and my parents' upcoming cruise (my sister is a grossly underpaid teacher too, but she was living w/ my parents at the time-poor thing). Anyway, they start talking about how great cruises are and how Mike and I should take one. My husband says, "We're going on a cruise! First we're gonna cruise to Target, then cruise over to CVS, and maybe cruise by the gas station to pick up some lottery tickets." Awesome! He doesn't talk that much, well not in comparison to me, but when he says something I am always impressed!

Usually when I interrupt my own thought I forget what I was saying in the first place, but since I am typing, I can look back an be reminded. Okay, back to the Xanax. I didn't always need/rely on Xanax. It is hard to pin down the exact moment my madness began, but I have some ideas. I usually tell people that it began after a car accident I was in with two of my girlfriends. We got in a cab on Halloween in 1996 and the cab driver took off like a bat out of hell. He ran through a stop sign, smashed into and totalled 6 parked cars, and my girlfriend's shattered face ended up in my lap. I was covered in her blood and the crazy part was that I was dressed up as a doctor, scrubs and all! When I got to the emergency room the doctor ASSumed that I worked in a hospital, fell in an operating room and that was why I was covered in blood. It wasn't a good hospital, but I wasn't that hurt, physically. Mentally, it f*cked me up.

That is the story I usually give for my claustrophobia, but that just intensified it. It actually began after my college boyfriend and I broke up. It was not a normal "I don't love you anymore" breakup; it was because of his escalating alcoholism. This break up really f*cked me up. I did not understand alcoholism at the time and control freak that I am, I just could not understand why if he loved me, he would "choose" alcohol over me. I have learned a lot since then, Master's Degree in Counseling and all, but I know it started there.

After the break up, I lost a lot of weight. I was already slim, but the accidental, because I am clinically depressed weight loss turned into an obsession to remain super-duper thin. This did not last long because A) I am allergic to exercise and B) I like to eat fried stuff. So I became claustrophobic-mostly in elevators. It may seem weird that I blame the break up for this, but I had to move back into my parent's house to do my student teaching when the original plan was for us to live together. Living with your parents in your 20's can make you feel very trapped, hence claustrophobia.

The claustrophobia was not so bad at that time and I pretty much totally got over it, until the cab accident, "NO CABS FOR YOU! NEXT!"

For the most part, I stopped taking cabs for awhile, though I still took them occasionally and I managed my claustrophobia quite well. In fact, it was mostly gone in short order. Mike and I met and started to become friends around the time of the accident. We were teaching at the same school and really hit it off. He was living with someone at the time, so we were friends, at work only! I do not f*ck with another woman's guy! The thing was, we REALLY liked each other. In fact, it was love fairly quickly and we had never even touched each other, let alone gone on a date. Long story short, He asked his nice, but not so intelligent girlfriend to move out, we dated for a millisecond, got engaged and married in less than a year and me and my soul mate began our life together.

The trouble began again the day after our wedding. We were on the plane waiting to take off for our honeymoon in Mexico when I had my first ever panic attack. Perfect timing! As I sat in my seat I watched all the people walking down the minuscule aisle to their seats and I lost it. I left Mike without a word, knocked all those nice people in the aisle on their asses, and fled from the plane. Oops, you married a psycho! Mike came off the plane to see what the f*ck was wrong with me. Of course, I could not explain what was wrong because I myself had no idea. We did not go to Mexico on that flight, but our luggage did. I was paralysed with fear. Oh my G-d, I thought. How am I going to explain this to my parents? The criticism my Mom would heap upon me would be more than I could bear. We went on a later flight, met up with our luggage and had a nice time. But how would we get home? I DID NOT want to get back on a plane, but I did. Looking back now, I cannot believe I got on that plane unmedicated!

That is how I found Xanax!

Pretty pictures of me:

In August of 2004 I went to Vegas with my parents and my sister. This is me poolside shortly after arriving via airplane. My Mom told me that people were staring at me and must have thought that I was a passed-out whore. Nice!

In December of 2004 My sister and I went to Orlando (awesome outlet mall). Following our plane ride I insisted that I was fine AND on driving the rental car to our resort. It truly is a G-d damned miracle that we survived that car ride. My sister deserves some kudos for remaining calm through this; I could have killed her for Christ's sake. Following the car trip/highway roller coaster ride, I passed out for quite a few hours. This is me upon waking from my "nap." I think waterproof mascara is in order the next time I travel via Xanax, I mean airplane.

Fertility, Infertility, What's the Difference?

2007-05-01T02:12:00.000-05:00

I had this random thought that has recurred so often that is no longer random, so I must mention it. Why are all of the reproductive endocrinologist's offices named things like: Fertility Clinic of B*tt F*ckville or A+ Number One Fertility Center? Lets face it, those names are shameless trickery. People go there because they are either infertile to some extent or frightened that they may be.

A year ago (at 36) when I first had the inkling that my fertility was in question (Day 3 Estradiol level of 102, HORRID and debilitating periods, possible endometrioma) I began scouring the Internet for information. I was so shocked that I could not find the information for which I so desperately searched. The reason eventually made itself plain; they f*ck you in the "fertility" clinic. (figurativley, they don't really f*ck you; that's not how it works)

I still remember searching in vain for things like: Infertility Doctors in Chicago, Infertility Specialists in Illinois, and so on. Much to my surprise, there are no infertility doctors; they are called fertility doctors. I get it, you make an appointment, get a full work-up and a couple of shots and pills and WALA, your fertile! Cool, I'm in, where do I sign up? What's my co-pay?

I am still contemplating the reasoning of this dichotomy a year later. Is it so that those of us who seek their treatment don't feel broken or not something that we should be as the word INfertile implies?

Maybe.

Is it because by calling themselves "fertility" specialists they are subconsciously implying to the scared and easily tricked that through their treatment we will magically become fertile? Maybe. That way we believe that the outrageous cost, both monetarily and physically is worth it. That there is an implied guarantee that it will pay off in the end with a beautiful, healthy, perfect in every way biological baby. These fertility doctors are so powerful that moments after you deliver your superior baby, you are in perfect shape too; just like a 20 year old co-ed. Let's tailgate!

Grab your ultrasound wand/probe and work your magic. Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry has got nothing on these magic makers; they don't even need a Phoenix feather or unicorn tail hair.

Pharmaceuticals Be Damned

2007-04-30T15:49:00.000-05:00

I never could recover my lost paragraphs from the recesses of my mind (or cyberspace), and though I am not yet over it, I always have more to say, loquacious, self-important b*tch that I am.

Oh, before I go any further I should mention that I like to swear, a lot (I blame my father), and I will most likely swear often on this blog because it is my catharsis. For the time being I am substituting certain letters in my swear words with an asterisk. Why? Well really it is because I was a teacher for 10 years and there is an infinitesimal chance that one of my former students (some of whom were fooled into thinking that I am the epitome of perfection) may come across this blog and I am trying to keep up the facade of embodying everything holy, at least for them.

Well, I have been off Zoloft (100mg) for nearly a week and I have not yet gouged any ones eyes out, though I have wanted to (no, not yours Mom, I swear). Now, the reason I started taking Zoloft in the first place was that just over a year ago I had what I assumed at the time to be a nervous breakdown. I was on the couch, eyes huge with anxiety and fear, rocking back and forth and paralyzed with confusion, so Zoloft it was. Bottoms up!

When I first learned that Zoloft was a class C pregnancy drug I was scared. "I heard that Zoloft was safe to take during pregnancy!" I screamed to no one imparticular. F*CK, I was told there would be no math on this exam (Thanks for the pic Jay).
So, for the good of my future, hopefully, maybe, baby-I stopped taking it. Then it dawned on me; maybe I am not crazy! Maybe I won't lose my mind when off psychotropic meds! And you know what? That "nervous breakdown" I had was right smack in the middle of the clomid challenge test AND my period. AWESOME!!!! I may not need Zoloft! hurray! strike up the band, let go of the balloons, I can get pregnant (Day 3 FSH level of 16.9 anyone?).

So, Zoloft problem solved; onto the Xanax. I rarely take Xanax, but it is my security blanket and I take it everywhere with me. Xanax is a class D pregnancy drug, so I cannot take it while pregnant, period. This kinda sucks because I am a huge fan of a quick fix, and without Xanax to lean on, there are no quick fixes. Wait, I must digress, as of this typing, I am not pregnant, but I am hopeful (wink, wink, nod, nod).

To be continued...

Locked in a Vacancy

2007-04-30T10:33:00.001-05:00

Well, it is one day post IUI and I am exhausted. My dog sh*t on the floor, and I haven't even contemplated cleaning it up, proving that I am indeed, horrible. In fact, I saw said sh*t on the floor when I was going to sleep last night (3:30 this morning) and I just left it there. I was tired, dammit! My dog is a chihuahua, so it really is not that much sh*t. Why do I admit this sheer laziness? Well, I am not perfect and I am not going to be, ever (note to self). Also, since nobody is ever going to read this (except my poor sister-cause I sent her the link) nobody will ever know just how piss poor a human being I really am. I take that back; I am a grrrreat human being, just a supremely lazy one.

Life is hard when you you have nothing to do; nothing to concentrate on but the odds of a successful pregnancy following an IUI. Oh sure I have mountains of laundry that I should do, two horribly filthy bathrooms that I should clean, and dirty dishes in the sink that I should wash, but I have never been fond of housework. Also, I could clean up that sh*t on the floor. I am going to clean up that sh*t. I'll be back in 2 minutes and 2 seconds (shout out Chuck Woolery). Mission accomplished; shit cleaned up, laundry and dishes, still not done. Bathrooms, still dirty.

The shots are over, at least for now, my belly is healing, and my initial excitement of possible conception is waning. It dawns on me that this IUI has a critically low chance of success. This way of thinking is not my eternally negative outlook, it is my nagging realism. Yesterday I felt jubilant, for the first time in a long time; today I feel lonely. I often feel lonely, tired, and under appreciated, but yesterday, I felt better.

F*CK, I just typed a dynamic (if I do say so myself) succession of paragraphs, and I lost them!!! Can't find them!!! Gone!! I am paralysed with anger! SAVE AS DRAFT DUMB ASS!!!! Oh, why did I have to upload that picture mid-blog without SAVING AS DRAFT? Because, I am a blog novice moron and I hate myself for it. I will recover, as soon as I can remember every f*cking word that I typed. That, by the way will not happen because I cannot even remember why I came in this room half the time. I will just have to try to get over this; I think a nap is in order!

Vices, Vices, Everywhere and Not a Drop to Drink

2007-04-29T20:19:00.001-05:00

I am sure that many of you who stumble across this blog will convulse in shock at my horribleness, but it is my blog and my reality, so if you are perfectly perfect, you should probably read elsewhere. Those of you that do not mind my honesty and admitted failings, please stay as I could use some friends. Having said that, I hope at least one person actually finds my blog.

The following represents the short list of my vices: coffee, cigarettes, Advil, Xanax, Zoloft, and an occasional Vicodin too (horrid migraines). These are not in order of preference, necessity, or regularity of indulgence, but I felt it necessary to mention them when discussing my less than herculean attempts to squelch said vices while trying to conceive. What does it matter for the moment anyway; my day 3 FSH is 16.9, I am 37, and my my pets don't complain...well, one does, but she is a cranky b*tch anyway-though I love her despite this fact.

I started this blog after becoming addicted to reading a blog that I stumbled upon. I have no idea how I got to the aforementioned blog as I have never read or written a blog in my life, but am so glad that I found it.

The blog is a little pregnant. I mention the title because it is not just a blog, it is a beautifully written novel in the form of a blog. I have found myself alternately spitting out coffee from laughter and crying from grief while reading it. It may be the injected hormones coursing through my body, but I don't think so; it really is an addictive read and I encourage you to check it out.

To give a few more props to the a little pregnant blog writer, I did not sleep one millisecond last night because I was riveted (and I am still only up to the 2/18/2004 entry) by her story, literary skills, and comic prowess. The not sleeping a wink thing was not so terrific an idea as I had my first ever IUI this morning. It sure will be great to let the multitude of puncture marks heal up on my tender belly, but I digress, I want my baby (though I hope for his/her sake that s/he does not have my nose, ahem, former nose).

I was so surprised today when just after the IUI, naked from the waist down, my feet still the stirrups, and my pelvis tilted slightly skyward, I nearly cried with joy at the prospect of my husband's sperm swimming up to my hard won egg and being allowed in. I was so freakin' happy, that it is almost scary. Happy like I just won the lottery happy.

I only had one good follicle and my RE was hoping for 2, but that 13mm just would not cooperate. "It only takes one..." I know, I know, but I have been told that TOO many f*cking times and my one may not be a good one and sadly, there may not be many good ones left. Please do not tell me to think positive, because I will puke up my coffee and Advil, with a Xanax chaser; AND, believe it or not-I am positive, just mildly realistic. Not about winning the lottery though, I am unrealistically convinced that one day, I will win.

I do feel incredibly lucky that I grew one big, beautiful, hopefully not degraded egg/follicle. It was 21mm 2 days before my IUI, though with all of my cramping I was sure I had an ostrich egg waiting to burst out of that follicle, but Ma neshtana (loosely translated from Hebrew meaning-Why should today be different from any other day), I always have horrid cramping.

Also, I did an HPT? Why the F*ck would I do that? Because 1) I wanted to see if that HCG shot that I shoved into my belly really worked, and 2) a positive pregnancy test looks f*ckin' awesome in my hand. Now, of course I am freaked beyond belief to find out how long this will stay in my system. How will I know if those beautiful twin lines are for real or just Memorex?

The easy answer is to wait to test until 15 days after my trigger like the nurse told me to do, but I simply cannot do that. For one thing I am obsessive about knowledge acquisition and I want to know the moment my baby blastocyst implants (hope, hope, pray, pray-wait, I'm an atheist). Also, 15 days makes that May 12th, which is the day after my husband's 35th birthday and news of our pregnancy would be an awesomely, fantastic birthday present.

In my quest to find out how long the HCG will it stay in my system, I searched the Internet. Do you know what I learned?? Millions of other pincushions are out there wanting that same answer. I guess I will have to accost my nurse tomorrow and demand an answer. Say it with me, "I will not test, I will not test"; f*ck it, I will just buy cheaper tests!

I made my husband take a video of my second Follistim injection. The best part (if there can really be a best part) is my husband's narration. I love that man! And he loves me too! (though at times I don't know why)